Stuck between a rock and a hard place (and not the good kind of hard place)

Pity the fate of young fellows, too long in bed with no sleep.  With their complex romantic attachments, look on their sorrows and weep.  They don't get a moments reflection there's always a crowd in their eye. Pity the plight of young fellows, regard all their worries and cry - John Cooper-Clarke

This is so sad.  This is probably the only time I'll be able to put my side of the story across.  Everytime I try to explain to my boyfriend I'm met with furious words disregarding everything I say.  This is MY blog and MY turn to put the story straight.

I was so bloody stupid, I try and make everybody happy at all times, always putting myself in the back seat if it means making everyone else happy.  Sometimes I say things to make someone feel better not realising that other people could see it another way and it always ends up with me in trouble, if you see what I mean?  

Because of this I have been told I have to choose between my boyfriend and three very good friends

.  I've been given ultimatums before and this was the hardest to deal with.  Three friends who've helped me deal with shit ex's, my mums alcoholism and helped me when I was dealing with grief and depression.  I would give anything to speak to them again.  We may not have been 100% truthful to each other at times but we became friends through helping each other deal with problems.  I wouldn't care if I found out my friends were actually 90year old grannies, who'd been lying to me for three years... they've helped me in my darkest hour and that is what makes us three friends, not the material things like ages, watches and jobs.   My boyfriend struggles to see this.  Don't we all have secrets from our friends?  He had his own secret he hid from everybody and I never judged him for that.  I never judged anyone for it.  Unless they were like a paedophile or something lol

but then you have my boyfriend. Somebody who when I met him was a heavy drinker and drug taker and in a really dark place, he says he never loved anyone (not even family) until he met me.  I could see him on the road to destruction and I helped him rebuild his life and he is a totally new person now.  He's straight edge and has got all the sources of depression out of his life.  He has come so far on his own merit and with some help from me.  We've been through more together in a year then most couples go through in a decade.  He is sweet, quirky and funny as just needs somebody to love him as he's never had love before.  He has cured himself of his deamons and is a very commendable young man who should be so proud of himself.  He wants to get married and that is his life ambiton to have a wife and a family and I'd love to be part of that. He is a very special guy.  

GAHHHH

 I MISS MY FRIENDS.   I just want to talk to P about how hard it is to find a bra and D about a good place to get a steak in London when I take my bf out for his birthday and to see George Groves fight.  

I MISS THEM I MISS THEM I MISS THEM

but I love my bf so much.

but I don't want to upset my bf. I'm hoping we can work out a compromise  something so I can have those three back in my life again, while keeping my boyfriend, who is SO important to me and my future happy.   

PLEASE CAN EVERYONE JUST GIVE ME A BREAK.

I also really need a long heart to heart with a non-judgemental friend.

All of this because I can't resist trying to make everyone happy and feel good.  I didn't want ANYTHING to turn out like this.  

I am so sorry for everything Shane xxx

I am getting so ill with the stress, I keep passing it off as a cold but I have a constant stress headache that feels like 100 elephants standing on my head, stubbing cigarettes out with their feet. My jaw is so tight and my eyes hurt I can't sleep.  It's brought back horrible emotions that I dont want to be feeling. I'm trying to grieve and dealing with all this too is physically killing me. My body is in shutdown mode almost.  I feel weak and am off my food.  I dont think my bf has noticed :(   I'll be dead by christmas at this rate! 

Someone please help me bef

Peachy

After pacing up and down the room for half an hour, I've decided to sit down and write this. First things first, I swear my iPod knows what mood I'm in it's playing all my favorite songs, but now I have 'Without you- by Asa and Stmbeline' on and it's really helping me think http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xiyJ9m2olI.  I'm a strange one I can't think unless I have some form of bass music or heavy metal playing (makes me REALLY popular at work, NOT) 


Life is fucking peachy.  I got accepted onto the course I really wanted to do next year at college and got offered a job interview yesterday.  I was starting to worry that I was doing something really wrong as neither the college or any jobs were getting back to me!  I also just got back from holiday, my first in three years and it was incredible.  The only downside is my mums illness is getting harder and harder to deal with as she is now constantly lashing out at me and trying to wear me down.  I'll survive though I think we both have tough lessons to learn but that's a blog for another day.  


I LOVE WALES. Everybody was so friendly and the way of life is so much better there and it's safe to say that when I move in September I will be going there.  I just hope I don't develop a Welsh Accent, I can just imagine me rocking up back home to Bethnal Green and everyone's faces as I sound more Katherine Jenkins then Kat Slater.  My friend Lee once said 'you're just like Kat Slater but you don't get as much sex', cheers geez. Although I have to admit I do own more than one leopard print dress and I'd love to own my own pub. It'd be a great excuse to stand there cracking dirty jokes all day and I'm sure  Tracey would be a barmaid for me and we'd have a huge topless picture of Van Persie behind the bar, anyway enough about that. 


Oh my god this song just came on my iPod http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bglEOTeBtqM (The Crown by Gary Byrd if you cba to open the link)  When I was 3/4 and used to go to my dads at the weekend I used to dance to this song all the time with him. I'm going to have it at my funeral, that and Dream a little dream of me by Mama Cass. 


Now you should all know my blogging style by now, I can't write a blog without having a rant and rave.  I am going to be civilized and state the facts as they are.  Although I am sure you will agree this guy is a complete tosser (see I'm being nice).  As you know I've had a drama the past few months with my boyfriends ex and all that garb.  Well one of his 'friends' turned against him.  Instead of respecting everyone's privacy at a very difficult time, he is all his immaturity, decided to make details of things public and write several statuses about the situation aimed to disrupt the peace basically. God it's hard to write diplomatically on this, if I EVER saw him again I would use my boxing skills on his face, just saying but I know that this man is nothing like the image he puts out to people and that stops me being angry, in fact I write this smiling because I know.  Anyway back to diplomat mode.  I, as a person in my very late teens, was conducting myself in more of a respectable and mature manner than him, at nearly 30 years old.  My main gripe with him was how he publicly turned on my boyfriend when in privacy he was texting my boyfriend, and when my boyfriend first broke the news he showed his support during a private chat.  It just goes to show that men can be as bitchy and low-down as women can be.


 My other gripe is this and I am not saying that he did it, but I KNOW he must've.  I made it very hard for 'her' to find me on Facebook, setting my privacy settings so you basically can't find my profile unless you're my friend on Facebook.   The only way that you can find my profile without being my friend on Facebook is if I add you or somebody sent you a link to my profile.  The next thing I know I get a friend request from 'her' and all and sundry to do with her sending me messages.  Unless Facebook magically removed my privacy settings, someone sent her a link to my profile and the only person who would have a motive to do so was him.  That period of my life was a really stressful one because of things I was being sent and he brought all of that upon me for no reason other than I tried to be the diplomat for everyone and he didn't like the fact that I made him look like an idiot (insert stronger word here at your will).  


He is not the 'loyal family man' he makes out to be.  I can neither officially confirm or deny but I have been told, long before anybody fell out with anyone, that he has cheated on the mother of his children and that there are conversations on an instant messaging program, where he was chatting up another woman a few weeks before they were due to get married.  I also asked him when his next child is due and he didn't know.... how can anyone not know when their child is due?  He also does other things that make me and others wonder, how can you harp on about being a decent father, when you do things like that.   He texted my boyfriend asking him to meet him at a pub this weekend, acting like he'd not done anything.  I can safely say we will be MILES away from that pub.  He is a huge negative force and brought me so much unnecessary pain by allowing 'her' to get to me.  I wish him all the best for the future and good health to him and his family. 


I'm going to have to ruin my rainbow by typing in black now Oh well.  I just had a very interesting phone call from an old agent of mine.  He's said that if I can get my size 6/8 butt back, he has some modelling work for me in September for a friends clothing website.  My modelling is a strange one, I don't think I'm at all attractive or photogenic but I'm great at taking awkward/gritty photos.  To explain it better, you'll never see me looking all pretty and polished in a glossy magazine or catolouge, but your likely to find me on a website selling t-shirts you've never heard of or photos for specialist magazines (not THOSE kind you dirty minded person). I'm amazed to be offered work again and am totally up for it, only problem is it means a diet and exercise. :(  pop tarts are too good to give up. 

Talking of the spiritual, I was very pleased to have been given ten new crystals by Rolo as surprise gift.  What made it all the more sweet was that he spent hours personally selecting crystals he thought I need rather than choosing a generic gift set, above is a photo of my collection, including my lady luck.  


Black Obsidian - a very protective stone, quite a scary one as it makes you face up to your true self including your past, when you've done that it protects you and repels negative thoughts (the small black one)


Amazonite - is a very soothing stone.  It's supposed to help with your health and to see other sides of an argument.  It helps soothe emotional trauma  and calm you when aggravated.  (the green one next to the orange one)


Carnelian - (The orange one)  It gives you energy to get up and go do things, it also makes you feel free. 


Gold tiger eye- It protects you from negative energy, focuses the mind and helps with anxiety. 


Flourite - it cleanses your aura, and absorbs and neutralizes stress. It's you to learn and feel self confident, and most importantly helps manage spinal injuries (my back has been giving me major gip recently where it's healed over so this has been a god send) (The clear green-y one)


Dalmation stone - (The one that looks like a dalmatian...)  It simply helps you to see your strengths and use them, it helps you feel loyal in your relationships and helps boost the immune system.


Hematite - (The one that looks like a chunk of metal) haha i just realised you can see a reflection of me taking the photo in this stone lol.  It helps you to concentrate and focus.  It helps with endurance, strength and makes you feel secure. 


Leopard Skin Jasper - ( The grey one with beige spots) It helps with spiritual discovery and self-healing


Mookaite-  ( Front Middle)  It basically gives you a big warm cuddle when you need it. Not physically obviously but mentally.  


and finally Picture Jasper - (Front right) It helps bring hidden emotions to the surface and helps you release them.  


The other crystals you can see are Rose Quartz, Smokey Quartz, Opal and Amethyst, oh and a blood stone (the one that looks like it has chicken pox)




Seeing as I can't say to it to her face, I just want to tell my little sister EJ that I love her to bits and miss her every day and think of her practically all the time.  Your big sister 'Pony' will see you soon and we can build another Lego Cinema xxxxx She will be 6 this month and I'm not invited to her birthday. She's such a big girl now and it's so lovely to see her learning to read and write, she even won a handwriting award recently! She is the light of my life and I love her so much it hurts to think about her and that I can't see her.  Sending lots of love and kisses to my two 12 year old sisters AJ+ AJ (don't ask lol). Family means the world to me which is why I am so excited to know I will be getting a new little cousin soon and going to a big family reunion at the end of July xxxxxxx


I am totally Fable 2 mad at the moment. No no no the original Fable just won't do it must be Fable 2.  At first I was skeptical, I'd only really had a bit of a bash at COD and Pacman before.  I hated XBOX and didn't want to play Fable 2. A month later I was HOOKED.  I have already got further then Rolo at it, and I'm just loving the game.  I love finding places and glitches other people haven't and I'm getting better and better at it and even have an XBOX live account now.  Well that was until a gloomy Friday afternoon last week.  The XBOX got accidentally kicked and now the game won't work anymore.  I tried to save it so many times, and anything short of having a funeral for the disc, was devastated.  But now I'm looking at it this way, it's just an excuse to buy Fable 3 (yes I know it came out donkeys ago).  


Oooh it's my birthday soon :D  I love birthdays, weddings and christenings.  I want this birthday to be special because last year's sucked.  Let's just say it was a landmark birthday... and I wanted to celebrate by going out and getting spectacularly drunk.  I ended up sitting in a park with a crying friend, swiftly followed a night in the hospital and I didn't even get one drink.  This year I want fireworks, booze, shoes and a new Swatch.  Ok that's a lie, what I'd love more than anything is for my sisters to visit me for the day maybe my niece and nephew too, and to have a bouncy castle in the back garden all of us can jump on and lots of cake and me and the mini-me's can play around all afternoon and because it's August the weather will be great! 


Ok well once again, thank you for listening to me ramble on.  Life is good and it's getting better.  The future is bright and I can't wait.  It just occoured to me how long this is, whoops sorry! I'll love you and leave you, peace, love and kisses


xxx

A lettter to myself.

Pretending everything’s alright when it ain’t it doing  it for me anymore. I shouldn’t be writing this, but believe me I know what’s coming. The past few months have drained me emotionally and physically and tonight it all comes out. Every day I have to deal with the drama and as a result I have probably failed my course at college this year. This blog digs at two people, but I don’t care they know who they are and should be fucking ashamed of themselves.

My situations got deep, I work and go to college, I barely get any sleep. Text messages telling me to go to hell, claiming I’m the only and only reason this happened.  And you wonder why I’m a mess at the moment, REALLY??

Ok, oh god this is the big one. The first one and the one that makes me feel most angry.  If you were on fire.....I can’t even write just thinking about this person makes me so livid my stomach goes in knots and I start feeling sick.  I wish this person would butt out my thoughts, she’s not even in my daily life anymore, but she is the big fat elephant in my room, the niggling thought. 

 But please, no pity for this g, my boyfriend had a son that he barely got to see.   Well, fuck his family and hers and whoever disagrees, I’ve learned a very valuable lesson indeed, there’s no point trying to be the best girlfriend I can be, because I’ll always have that hanging over me.

 She is so low down; she’s doing everything to hurt me right now.  I don’t know what else I can, so either way I lose.

 I tried talking to the bitch and she kept using him as a bargaining chip, and I am not the one to be bargaining with.  You know the type, Jeremy Kyle style cheap blonde Poundland bleach hair, several kids by god-knows how many men, never worked a day in her life, never will.  The kind of person that makes me want to stop paying taxes.

 I swear if I got the chance I would out my hands on her, I’m not even a violent person, she just makes my blood BOIL.  I swear to god I don’t know what was going through my boyfriends head when he got in the bed with her, it literally makes my skin crawl.

  There are two innocent people in this whole sad, sorry mess that has emerged and I’m one of them.  I didn’t sign up for this! FUCK.   

I wish her all the best with her cushy, tax-payer expenses lifestyle, because I KNOW karma is a bitch, she probably thrives off the hurt she causes me by terrorizing me online, even through groups I’ve joined on Facebook etc but it’s time to be strong  II know she probably loves all the hurt she’s caused me, but I just suck it up and smile. She can send me all the snotty messages from other peoples Facebook accounts, and send me as many friend requests as she likes, she can wind me up till I can’t be wound up anymore, but I promising myself, right here, right now that she will NEVER make me bow. 

The next person is a girl who literally knew me from a few hours old, and we grew up in each others pockets, when I grew up I wanted to be JUST like her, and we always planned to grow up best friends, have babies the same time, get married at the same time, and when I moved away we spoke everyday and met at weekends. 

 She had a gorgeous Russian boyfriend, who was a personal trainer and amazing with children and she decided to get drunk and cheat on him, breaking his heart and destroying their relationship.  I can’t help but feel responsible, she messaged me on Facebook telling me about it, and he saw the message and dumped her.  Since then she went on a mad ecstasy spree and got herself a job as a model.  She calmed down but we lost contact as she went into a depression.  She really went mad, cut half her hair off, slept with all and sundry, got her knuckles tattooed etc.

Anyway, so today I sit down with a brew while helping my old queen do some stuff on her Facebook and we saw that this girl had posted a link to what we thought was some modelling, we clicked it and, well I wish I could unsee what I saw.  She is a porn star now and poses naked for ‘specialist magazines’. 

 That sweet girl that used to steal washing up liquid so we could make bubbles on the balcony of my tower-block.   

I should have seen it coming, she’s always been very sexually aware and one day in our teens, we went out shoplifting (don’t ask I have grown up SO much since then)  We have exactly the same dress size and cup size, and she told me to squeeze into some of her revealing clothes, put a thong on and bend over ‘to get something from the shelf’ in front of the shopkeeper so he got distracted..... I should have seen it coming. I was 14 at the time and she was 15.

 I feel so sorry for her, being so desperate. But I can’t help but see her as my sister/bestfriend/rock.  What do I do? I've always loved her an looked up to her :(

Anyway lets add a positive note to this blog I officially got released on ‘study leave’ today, meaning ‘a few days to drink Koppaberg and log, I ofplay Fable’ I fucking love Fable, more than I love Pie and Mash from G Kellys or getting the DLR on a sunny afternoon. I feel about 200000 stone lighter after blogging this. Anyway, it’s summer-time. Time for music, a huge system, shorts and dancing on the balcony.  I’m moving this summer to pastures new, well away from London, nearer to the coast, which means only one thing IKEA.

Love you and leave you x

Jodie. Me F

Erm ok we're starting the clip. Um... There are *** males, riding around in a bus, playing with a dog, um.....they ride around, a parking lot , waiting for a girl, and they meet this one named JODIE, and uh, they get her to ummm ***** and ***** start playing with the dog.


She sits down, and a male holding the camera calls her a dirty-dirty chick, and she starts to, ummm..

ands they get her to um *****  while she's still naked and then they 
Um JODIE, all over her face in the street with cars passing by. 

Venridey

I have had this song in my head all day, today is a great day.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8BOZyaMrn8  my neighbour must hate me seeing as she is a Rod Stuart fan and I keep blasting my music over hers.

I also have a huge urge to start drinking what I call Russian style, grabbing a big bottle of Russian vodka, chucking it in a bucket of ice and drinking it with a few sips of raspberry juice inbetween, that or Ibizia or something.  I keep miming along to Drake songs, I can't be the only person who listens to music and mimes along and pretends it's them singing? If I am, I'm really embarrassed now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEfk8cnW-3E I love this song, it makes me want to stand up and sing along and dance with my arms in the air.  When I say I 'want to'  it means 'I am actually doing this right now'

I need t go back to London, just to breathe that familiar air filled with petrol and weed fumes, to see the 'cockerneeeeeeees' standing on street corners shouting 'AP'LES A PAAAAAND, PAAAAND A DOZEN' and go a buy a dress from Petitcoat lane market where the stall keeper says 'A'WIGHT DAAARLIN, YOU'LL LOOK FAAAKIN FANTASTIC IN THAT' then skip down to Bow and start drinking knock off vodka on a balcony while dancing to 'Man in the mirror' like a looney, trying and failing to moonwalk. Then off down to G.Kellys for the best pie and mash in town with a tonne of eel liquor and maybe double mash.  Then off down the rubber for a couple of pigs with a few of the geezas talkin about aul joannas and our trouble and strifes and the like.  I miss London, somebody take me home.

Facbook has pissed me off, it has some stupid thing on chat now where it tells the other person you've seen their message meaning I cant ignore people anymore, but hopefully the bloke who keeps sending me cheesy chat up lines will get the message when all he see's is 'read'

Oooh later I am having a bath.  I love bathtime, I fill it up with thousands of bubbles and splash around in it.  I have three rubber ducks and for my birthday I want more rubber ducks and this really cool toy for the bath that squirts water everywhere.   I want it NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW, these are the toys I want

http://www.hamleys.com/Hamleys_Little_Squirts_|_Hamleys_Toys/979682,default,pd.html ,  http://www.hamleys.com/Hamleys_Fountain_Friends_Bath_Toy_|_Hamleys_Toys/92460,default,pd.html  I have bath crayons and cool bubblebath with a skeleton in it and pink bubblebath :D

Has anybody ever played UNO?  I really want to play it but I cant :O  I'm going to start playing RedDeadRedmption again on the xbox too..

I'm running out of steam, fucking writers block. FUCK.

Over and out

xxxxxxxx

Things that go bump in the night

Things that go bump in the night, no I'm not talking about sex I'm talking about ghosts and ghouls and other paranormal paraphernalia. Oooh that rhymes.

I'm writing this whilst watching Dexter and drinking a brew, but all the while glancing out the window because I'm scared.

Recently I've had some unexplained activity and I'm curious now if you can offer some advice please feel free to contact me or even share your own stories.

Firstly the shadows:  It was an evening in February, about 11.30 at night and my ball and chain was walking me home.  I was standing outside his front door having a look down the street when I saw a shadow of somebody walking down the street reflected on the windows.  Being the nosy cow I am I peered down the street to see who was casting this shadow and saw nobody there, I started freaking out and looked back to where the shadow was and it had dissapeared.  I was really freaked out and told my boyfriend who naturally though I was bullshitting or a bit tired.  My mum laughed at me when I told her and my work mates told me I need to lay off the drugs.  Then last week me and my ball and chain were walking past a box outside my house when he suddenly grabbed my arm and said 'DID YOU SEE THAT!?'.  I asked what, and he said he saw a shadow, in the shape of man about 6ft tall, running down the street past him, it darted behind a box and dissapeared. He was as freaked out as I was and now we both jump everytime we see a shadow. Were the shadows tricks of the mind?

Secondly the mediums:  I go to a Spiritualist centre every Sunday evening and there are mediums there.  Every medium I've seen stares at me as if they can see something but never say anything to me.  When they catch me looking they look away.  They are long confused stares and they worry me.  The mediums have a strict 'good news only policy'.  The fact they stare at me like something is there terrifies me. Is this normal Medium behaviour?  I'm going to bite the bullet and go for a private reading with a medium when I find one that I like but I'm nervous.. Should I do it?

Thirdly the objects:  Twice in one week this has happened but I'm gonna' use the most embarrassing as an example.  I was 'gaaaaaaan auuuut' down the pub for a few drinks and wanted to wear a specific outfitwhich included me wearing a huge pair of Spanx pants. I couldn't find them anywhere and I was tearing my house apart trying to find them in my bedroom, I stormed downstairs to vent to my boyfriend and tore the downstairs apart too.  When I went upstairs to look again my 'Bridget Jones pants' were laid neatly on top of my bed.... Nobody else was in the house AND they werent there when I left the room.  I had a similar thing happen on Tuesday with a hair bow...

So what are your paranormal stories?

2 + 1 = 3? Pt 3

Here we go again, another weekly update.


This week I have had conversations with a lot of people and been given some 'choice' advice. I now have a group of women who read these certain posts and have shared their own experiences with me too, in private . So hi 


:) 



I wish I could say that I feel one single emotion this week, but I don't! There have been a few significant feelings. I think the whole situation is very confusing for everyone involved.  This is similar to walking on a tightrope you have to be careful not to fall too far one way. 


The first thing I ahve to talk about is something that actually made me piss myself laughing, I'm actually crying with laughter now thinking about it

'Daddy'

The funny: I was sitting with my OH's (other halfs)  little boy about a month ago looking through a paper and as a joke I pointed at a picture of Yoda and said 'Look there's daddy', and he copied me. I'd completely forgotten about it until Friday I was pushing him in a buggy up the high street and he shouted 'look there's daddy' and pointed at a display in the Vodafone shop window with Yoda in it. I was absolutely crying with laughter and my boyfriend looked mortified. HAHAHAHAHA 

The ugly: One thing that I really don't like is the amount that his son hits people. So yeah he's only small, but I  hate being hit by anyone and I worked in a nursery and children his age and younger didn't hit or hurt other people. I don't know why he does it and I never know what to say to my OH sometimes. His son scratched him really badly during a tantrum and punches him if my OH tells him off and he randomly starts hitting me when I walk near him or hug his daddy and hits other people, and it's like 'Why the frick do you put up with that?'

 I helped bring up family members the same age and they NEVER hit because they know it's bad. If they ever hit anybody they'd be put on the naughty step straight away, especially if it was a girl that they hit so I find it really hard to tolerate sometimes.  I ain't criticizing his parenting but it just annoys me because he is obviously hurt. Like when his son scratched him, and I mean he drew blood and it was a deep scratch, I was like 'Dude wtf your kid just hurt you badly' and my OH was just like 'Oh it's fine, it didn't even hurt'

Crazy.

The Awkward: One thing that makes my OH and me feel awkward is the fact that his little boy keeps looking out the window and shouting his brothers name and pointing at photos of my OH as a kid and shouting his brothers name.  It just makes everything so awkward. This (and this don't half sound poetic) blanket of awkwardness descends and envelops everything in the room when he does it. Like everyone has forgotten that the mother and his brother exist and you're rudely brung back to earth.  Bless his cottons he must be so confused with people trampling in and out of his life.

The sweet: The little one has invented a very sweet new game.  He will point at something scream and shout 'I scared, I want a cuddle'. Very cute, although I get the impression he does it for the hugs ;) It's things like that that make it all worth it. 

The bad: Sometimes the little one is a total brat. He whines if you don't give him attention, he whines that your not doing things right. He whines if you pay attention to someone else, like if I hug his dad he runs over and starts shouting 'My daddy go away' and hitting me and screaming on the floor. He refuses to say please or thank you (really) and it grinds me down because all the whining makes me wanna scream and run away. I don't know how my boyfriend feels if I feel that way!

 He gets everything he wants on demand from my OH and his grandparents and is quite spoilt and if you dare to say no, all fricken hell breaks loose.  I worked with children for two years AND look after my family children and they know that NO MEANS NO and none of the other children acted up like my OH's son does. It's painful to watch sometimes knowing that you have no say in the discipline. The thing is my OH's parents butt-in a lot with the childcare and I don't know if he feels the same way. Is this bad ? 

The difficult: (Avert your eyes if you wish) For some reason, whenever my OH is with his son I feel no attraction towards him whatsoever. It's like when his son walks through the door all sexual attraction goes and sometimes I get really funny about my other half even touching me when he is with his son. I have NO idea why! I've researched it and talked to someone about it and they've said it's normal for me to not want him to touch me and it's good that it passes and I can have a normal relationship with him without his son there but I feel bad.  He picks upon me not wanting him to touch me too, and i dread to think how that makes him feel. 

Apparently it's several things that cause this. Ones a 'primal' thing: he's had a child with someone else, so my body sends me signals to go away because he has already mated with somebody and doesn't need a new mate. Another theory is alienation: I think it is both because whenever I don't want him to touch me it's when I feel at my most alienated and I feel like I shouldn't be within five foot of him. Another problem is the fact that if I do hug his daddy on the sofa, the little one will push me away and I'm just sat there alone at the other end of the sofa like a fricken gooseberry! Is this normal? Does it pass? I feel bad for everything that I write!  :(

I really want to finish this post on a lighthearted note and I'm going to share something with you that melted my heart.

I try to read stories to and with him and let him 'read' them to me. Every time I go there we look at a book together so before I came over to see him and my OH last week I put a few books in my bag for him to read. After my OH picked him up I said 'Hello I've got a present for you, I've got you some new stories!' When we got into my OH's house, his little one ran straight up the stairs and my OH was trying to manhandle a dog and his sons bags and keep the door from shutting on me so I said 'I'll go after him'.  When I got up stairs the little one was trying to jump up onto the bed which I thought was weird so I helped him up and he started shouting 'story' and I realized he'd raced upstairs for me to read to him! After not seeing me for over a month, for him to have remembered our 'story times' together, melted my heart.

Like I said in my first post, you need to be sure and know about every part of the experience to come before getting with a guy with a kid. Feel free to contact me private or publicly with your views or experiences

That is all for this week.

The incessant rambler x

I need to lay off the cheese

I had such a girl dream last night but I wanted to blog about it because it was fucked up and Gary Lucy is HOT. I also think someone is spiking my bedtime cup of tea with acid. 

I was going out with Kyle Pascoe. This is Kyle Pascoe. 

Kyle Pascoe, from ITV1  series Footballers Wives.

We were lounging around drinking champagne in a bar with our friends and I had all swishy hair, like in a Herbal Essences advert and a nice dress and we were milling around chatting when he proposed to me with a huge ring and everyone was congratulating us. Then we sat down and he said we were throwing a Greek themed party (wtf) and I'd need a new dress. I started moaning that I have no money so he just gave me a wodge of cash and said 'here babe here's 3 grand go and get us some dinner and yourself a pair of shoes' and I proceeded to thank him in typical WAG fashion ;) 

 So I got in a taxi and somehow ended up in the reduced aisle in Tesco (if i was a footballers wife surely I'd be in Dean and DeLuca or Harrods, not pissing Tesco) and I kept getting pizza off the shelf and putting it on another one. Then I was looking for the toilet and I walked into a nursery in the toilet (wtf again) and all the children were sitting in front of the toilet cubicle at a long table and everytime I tried to get to the toilet the children were all reaching out for me with sticky hands and making my dress fall off so I ran out where Kyle was waiting and we went up this huge hill in a taxi.  

 When we were in the taxi all these people started chasing it and I was screaming and hitting Kyle with my handbag. (This I would actually do) and a bloke with a prosthetic leg jumped in the car next to me and told me he was in love with me and my fiancee, so I started hitting him with the handbag and he said 'right now you've asked for this' and was suddenly topless and started taking his prosthetic leg off and Kyle jumped out the car and ran away into the distance (typical footballer)and Prosthetic Leg man started turning pink and just started at me laughing and I was shouting 'WTF GET OUT OF MY CAR' and he kept laughing.

Then I woke up. 

Seriously WTF, pink men with missing legs, children in the toilet, marrying footballers. I think I took one too many spoonfuls of cough syrup! 

Mexxy and 2+1=3 Update.

A quick message about my tiny little sister.I got a little sister that I get barely get to see. I see her for two hours then after that I have to leave on top of that I see her about once a month (that is being generous).I'm sorry J*** I don't get to see you like I want to and need to, I just wish you knew I want to.Apparently I'm an unfit sister because my dad and her mother split up and hey presto I am banned from seeing MY OWN SISTER. The little girl that I taught to read Green Eggs and Ham, and all manner of doctor Zeus books, The girl who I helped with her handwriting and get over her fear of going on the big-girl swings at the park, ME. Your mother is low down, she's doing everything to hurt Dad right now, not realizing that it';s hurting you too.
Last time I saw her I collected her from school and she was shy and didn't want to speak to me much. She hadn't seen me for two months and had thought that her big sister didn't love her anymore. Everytime I think of her I burst out crying because she is the apple of my eye.I WANT TO SEE HER NOW. I can't take much more of this. Every time I get granted access it gets cancelled. I have piles of christmas and easter presents that I haven't been able to give her. heart BREAKING.

Now, lets talk Mexxy.http://www.itv.com/news/meridian/2012-03-28/legal-high-given-12-month-ban/I was watching the news today and I heard the saddening story above, when a HORRIBLE chilling feeling crept down my spine, the drug was called Mexxy. Sounding very similar to the chemical name (Methoxetamine) of a drug SWIM (someone who isn't me) has dubbed 'Spaceman'.  As you can probably tell from the chemical name, it is a 'legal' ketamine but it produces terrifying effects.People I know have been laying in slobbering heaps on a sofa, wacked out of their heads on this shit. Apparently they couldn't even go to the toilet by themselves and were dribbling everywhere from just ONE LINE of this shit they trip out and are 'paralyzed'. It is powerful stuff.  I was offered to try it and declined.

Back to the news story, The reason I got chills down my spine was because a few days ago somebody so close to me was ill as fuck from this shit.  They told me they had a line of spaceman the night before and when I arrived (8 hours later) begged me to take them to the hospital.  They were cold, sweating and shivering, grinding their teeth, couldn't hold a conversation or stop throwing up. Today I realised how close this person came to dying.  If this person died part of me would have died to. They were lucky, unlike the two guys above.  My advice to anyone is, just because it's 'legal' doesn't mean some Chinese dude isn't mixing it in his bath tub with a shit load of rat poison.  I'm shaking reading this because they could have died, fuck, shitballs, FUCK!



I wrote a blog recently called 2+1=3http://peachypeachpeach-peaches.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/what-happens-when-two-turns-to-three.htmlIt gets harder, believe it or not it does. Prepare to spend a lot of time feeling alienated and useless. Prepare to have your heart melted a few times. Prepare to get pissed off with what your partner does. Prepare to feel broody as sin. Prepare to feel proud everytime you make a breakthrough. Prepare to feel like you want to run home, hide under your duvet and cry while watching Bridget Jones. Prepare to be up at 2AM with a screaming child. Prepare to realise that you are gathering a lot of life experience just from sitting in one room. Prepare to feel terribly jealous and sometimes out of place.  Prepare to look at your partner differently, and most importantly prepare yourself for the challenges that lay ahead.

It such a strange feeling, you feel further away from your partner then ever before while feeling quite close to them at the same time. I urge anybody to think carefully before getting into this kind of situation. I adore my partner and his little boy but it takes it's toll on YOU as daddy's/mummy's partner in a way that is never taken notice of.  For this reason I am determined to keep this blog going for as long as I can so you can see how your feelings change everyday and to support others in my situation. Today has been tough on me, so tough and I'm feeling quite down. Tomorrow I will probably be blissfully happy, who knows, maybe it's the lack of sleep and the mixed emotions? I sound selfish and bratish but I don't care YOU need to see before you get yourself into this, how hard it is. It's not all sunshine and rainbows and trips to the park. I was up at 2AM because his child would not stop crying all night and I felt more scared then anything because my boyfriend was getting stressed and so was his child and I couldn't help neither of them.  I feel awkward half the time like I know how to help but I have no right to and I feel like everyone is observing how I am with his son like I'm an animal in a zoo and I feel like I can't do things right and then my other half says I'm acting off with him but it's because I feel lonely and alienated, like there is a big glass wall between us and don't want to overstep my boundaries as he probably thinks 'she has no children what does she know?'

 Is this normal? I'm so confused.

My TV and a large cuppa tea is calling me, I have a headache.

Here's to a better day tomorrow everyone.

Thank you for reading again, and sorry for the negative tone.

The incessant rambler xx

Things I'm thinking right now.

Hello.


I just found some photos of me closing my first sale WAHOO. That was the best feeling in the world at 16 years old to be talking to a couple who were in their late 50's selling them worktops at 300000000x the price of what they were actually worth. I felt like the queen of sales, like every time I walked into the showroom everyone should curtsy  and  roll out red carpet whilst a celestial choir sung and the wind blew my hair about. Well that feeling lasted for ten seconds. 
Working in sales is a job where you act glossy and enthusiastic all day then you go home and drink gin like a sailor to numb out the pain of the drudgery.  So glad I quit that shit. 


My waistline is vastly expanding. I don't know why. I want to be skinny and toned and look amazing in a bikini, but frankly I like food too much. I'd rather eat 1000 chocolate bars then a salad. I like booze too much to stop drinking it and I'm slowly working my way out of my size 8 jeans with every bite of this doughnut I'm eating *sigh* I'd rather lay on the sofa drinking beer and eating chips then go jogging. I'm thinking of getting one of those pad things you always see with a tanned woman laying on a sofa eating popcorn, where you hook yourself up to the mains and electrocute your way to a six pack. I'd rather have a 6 pack of Carling! 


Please tell me I'm not the only person that mimes along to a song when they're listening to it and pretends that they are actually singing it?
 Right now I'm pretending I'm Drake and I'm not afraid to admit it (ok well I am that's why I put it on my blog rather then my Facebook status but you get the jist) I'm even dancing around like a psychopath ,god knows what my neighbor thinks. She must think she lives next door to a heard of elephants with a penchant for playing twister. 


Just a quick message to the females of the town I live in: SHUT YOUR LEGS, USE A CONDOM AND GET A JOB AND STOP SPONGING OFF PEOPLE WHO CAN BE ARSED TO WORK. YOU HAVE NO NEED FOR BENEFITS THE ONLY REASON THAT YOU ARE ON THEM IS BECAUSE YOU ARE BONE IDLE AND LAZY AND LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN CREATING SEVERAL CHILDREN THAT YOU CAN CLAIM MONEY FOR. LEAVE THE BENEFITS FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE ILL AND HAVE A GENUINE NEED FOR THEM AND GO WORK IN PRIMARK WHERE YOU BELONG *ahem* 


*cough cough nudge nudge* 


I can feel another protest coming on with all this talk of budget cuts, I can feel it. It's like an itch that needs to be scratched. I need to shout and hold a sign and shout some more.  I love a good protest. 


I really like my bed at the moment it's soo warm and cosy and lovely and just mmmm. Would be even better if my OH was in it with me ;) Being ill is giving me some crazy ass dreams. It must be the cough medicine but damn the dreams it gives me I should be bagging this stuff up and selling it by the ounce. Last night I dreamt of a normal day but everyone was a snake with a human face and the night before I had a horrible death dream. 


I love you too, I just wish your mother would have hugged you too. 


Have you ever tried gooseberry yoghurt? It is GORGEOUS. 


A couple of my friends have been away in Cornwall and I have missed them being online and talking to them. I can't wait to catch up with them.  Although I'm sure they've kept each other perfectly occupied in a way I'd rather not hear the gory details of ;) 


I miss my OH, I need a cuddle.


God damn the NHS. I have my hand in a sling and am in constant pain because they refuse to do anything until I finish taking their ridiculous tablets, which have done nothing but make me ill. My finger is in constant pain which has now spread down to my arm and wrist. Are you telling me that’s normal? They have left me taking antibiotics  and refused to lance my finger or investigate further meaning the infection has now spread down my arm and probably into my bone. They barely looked at it and just threw a prescription at me. Then I go to A&E for a nurse to just tell me ‘Don’t bother coming back until you've finished the antibiotics’ while I was crying in pain because my hand has swelled up and ushered me out the door. 8^th wonder of the world my arse. They are too quick to throw tablets at you these days. 


I've run out of steam now, that is all my rambling done for one night. 


Adios


The incessant rambler x