A lettter to myself.

Pretending everything’s alright when it ain’t it doing  it for me anymore. I shouldn’t be writing this, but believe me I know what’s coming. The past few months have drained me emotionally and physically and tonight it all comes out. Every day I have to deal with the drama and as a result I have probably failed my course at college this year. This blog digs at two people, but I don’t care they know who they are and should be fucking ashamed of themselves.

My situations got deep, I work and go to college, I barely get any sleep. Text messages telling me to go to hell, claiming I’m the only and only reason this happened.  And you wonder why I’m a mess at the moment, REALLY??

Ok, oh god this is the big one. The first one and the one that makes me feel most angry.  If you were on fire.....I can’t even write just thinking about this person makes me so livid my stomach goes in knots and I start feeling sick.  I wish this person would butt out my thoughts, she’s not even in my daily life anymore, but she is the big fat elephant in my room, the niggling thought. 

 But please, no pity for this g, my boyfriend had a son that he barely got to see.   Well, fuck his family and hers and whoever disagrees, I’ve learned a very valuable lesson indeed, there’s no point trying to be the best girlfriend I can be, because I’ll always have that hanging over me.

 She is so low down; she’s doing everything to hurt me right now.  I don’t know what else I can, so either way I lose.

 I tried talking to the bitch and she kept using him as a bargaining chip, and I am not the one to be bargaining with.  You know the type, Jeremy Kyle style cheap blonde Poundland bleach hair, several kids by god-knows how many men, never worked a day in her life, never will.  The kind of person that makes me want to stop paying taxes.

 I swear if I got the chance I would out my hands on her, I’m not even a violent person, she just makes my blood BOIL.  I swear to god I don’t know what was going through my boyfriends head when he got in the bed with her, it literally makes my skin crawl.

  There are two innocent people in this whole sad, sorry mess that has emerged and I’m one of them.  I didn’t sign up for this! FUCK.   

I wish her all the best with her cushy, tax-payer expenses lifestyle, because I KNOW karma is a bitch, she probably thrives off the hurt she causes me by terrorizing me online, even through groups I’ve joined on Facebook etc but it’s time to be strong  II know she probably loves all the hurt she’s caused me, but I just suck it up and smile. She can send me all the snotty messages from other peoples Facebook accounts, and send me as many friend requests as she likes, she can wind me up till I can’t be wound up anymore, but I promising myself, right here, right now that she will NEVER make me bow. 

The next person is a girl who literally knew me from a few hours old, and we grew up in each others pockets, when I grew up I wanted to be JUST like her, and we always planned to grow up best friends, have babies the same time, get married at the same time, and when I moved away we spoke everyday and met at weekends. 

 She had a gorgeous Russian boyfriend, who was a personal trainer and amazing with children and she decided to get drunk and cheat on him, breaking his heart and destroying their relationship.  I can’t help but feel responsible, she messaged me on Facebook telling me about it, and he saw the message and dumped her.  Since then she went on a mad ecstasy spree and got herself a job as a model.  She calmed down but we lost contact as she went into a depression.  She really went mad, cut half her hair off, slept with all and sundry, got her knuckles tattooed etc.

Anyway, so today I sit down with a brew while helping my old queen do some stuff on her Facebook and we saw that this girl had posted a link to what we thought was some modelling, we clicked it and, well I wish I could unsee what I saw.  She is a porn star now and poses naked for ‘specialist magazines’. 

 That sweet girl that used to steal washing up liquid so we could make bubbles on the balcony of my tower-block.   

I should have seen it coming, she’s always been very sexually aware and one day in our teens, we went out shoplifting (don’t ask I have grown up SO much since then)  We have exactly the same dress size and cup size, and she told me to squeeze into some of her revealing clothes, put a thong on and bend over ‘to get something from the shelf’ in front of the shopkeeper so he got distracted..... I should have seen it coming. I was 14 at the time and she was 15.

 I feel so sorry for her, being so desperate. But I can’t help but see her as my sister/bestfriend/rock.  What do I do? I've always loved her an looked up to her :(

Anyway lets add a positive note to this blog I officially got released on ‘study leave’ today, meaning ‘a few days to drink Koppaberg and log, I ofplay Fable’ I fucking love Fable, more than I love Pie and Mash from G Kellys or getting the DLR on a sunny afternoon. I feel about 200000 stone lighter after blogging this. Anyway, it’s summer-time. Time for music, a huge system, shorts and dancing on the balcony.  I’m moving this summer to pastures new, well away from London, nearer to the coast, which means only one thing IKEA.

Love you and leave you x