Venridey

I have had this song in my head all day, today is a great day.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8BOZyaMrn8  my neighbour must hate me seeing as she is a Rod Stuart fan and I keep blasting my music over hers.

I also have a huge urge to start drinking what I call Russian style, grabbing a big bottle of Russian vodka, chucking it in a bucket of ice and drinking it with a few sips of raspberry juice inbetween, that or Ibizia or something.  I keep miming along to Drake songs, I can't be the only person who listens to music and mimes along and pretends it's them singing? If I am, I'm really embarrassed now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEfk8cnW-3E I love this song, it makes me want to stand up and sing along and dance with my arms in the air.  When I say I 'want to'  it means 'I am actually doing this right now'

I need t go back to London, just to breathe that familiar air filled with petrol and weed fumes, to see the 'cockerneeeeeeees' standing on street corners shouting 'AP'LES A PAAAAAND, PAAAAND A DOZEN' and go a buy a dress from Petitcoat lane market where the stall keeper says 'A'WIGHT DAAARLIN, YOU'LL LOOK FAAAKIN FANTASTIC IN THAT' then skip down to Bow and start drinking knock off vodka on a balcony while dancing to 'Man in the mirror' like a looney, trying and failing to moonwalk. Then off down to G.Kellys for the best pie and mash in town with a tonne of eel liquor and maybe double mash.  Then off down the rubber for a couple of pigs with a few of the geezas talkin about aul joannas and our trouble and strifes and the like.  I miss London, somebody take me home.

Facbook has pissed me off, it has some stupid thing on chat now where it tells the other person you've seen their message meaning I cant ignore people anymore, but hopefully the bloke who keeps sending me cheesy chat up lines will get the message when all he see's is 'read'

Oooh later I am having a bath.  I love bathtime, I fill it up with thousands of bubbles and splash around in it.  I have three rubber ducks and for my birthday I want more rubber ducks and this really cool toy for the bath that squirts water everywhere.   I want it NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW, these are the toys I want

http://www.hamleys.com/Hamleys_Little_Squirts_|_Hamleys_Toys/979682,default,pd.html ,  http://www.hamleys.com/Hamleys_Fountain_Friends_Bath_Toy_|_Hamleys_Toys/92460,default,pd.html  I have bath crayons and cool bubblebath with a skeleton in it and pink bubblebath :D

Has anybody ever played UNO?  I really want to play it but I cant :O  I'm going to start playing RedDeadRedmption again on the xbox too..

I'm running out of steam, fucking writers block. FUCK.

Over and out

xxxxxxxx

Things that go bump in the night

Things that go bump in the night, no I'm not talking about sex I'm talking about ghosts and ghouls and other paranormal paraphernalia. Oooh that rhymes.

I'm writing this whilst watching Dexter and drinking a brew, but all the while glancing out the window because I'm scared.

Recently I've had some unexplained activity and I'm curious now if you can offer some advice please feel free to contact me or even share your own stories.

Firstly the shadows:  It was an evening in February, about 11.30 at night and my ball and chain was walking me home.  I was standing outside his front door having a look down the street when I saw a shadow of somebody walking down the street reflected on the windows.  Being the nosy cow I am I peered down the street to see who was casting this shadow and saw nobody there, I started freaking out and looked back to where the shadow was and it had dissapeared.  I was really freaked out and told my boyfriend who naturally though I was bullshitting or a bit tired.  My mum laughed at me when I told her and my work mates told me I need to lay off the drugs.  Then last week me and my ball and chain were walking past a box outside my house when he suddenly grabbed my arm and said 'DID YOU SEE THAT!?'.  I asked what, and he said he saw a shadow, in the shape of man about 6ft tall, running down the street past him, it darted behind a box and dissapeared. He was as freaked out as I was and now we both jump everytime we see a shadow. Were the shadows tricks of the mind?

Secondly the mediums:  I go to a Spiritualist centre every Sunday evening and there are mediums there.  Every medium I've seen stares at me as if they can see something but never say anything to me.  When they catch me looking they look away.  They are long confused stares and they worry me.  The mediums have a strict 'good news only policy'.  The fact they stare at me like something is there terrifies me. Is this normal Medium behaviour?  I'm going to bite the bullet and go for a private reading with a medium when I find one that I like but I'm nervous.. Should I do it?

Thirdly the objects:  Twice in one week this has happened but I'm gonna' use the most embarrassing as an example.  I was 'gaaaaaaan auuuut' down the pub for a few drinks and wanted to wear a specific outfitwhich included me wearing a huge pair of Spanx pants. I couldn't find them anywhere and I was tearing my house apart trying to find them in my bedroom, I stormed downstairs to vent to my boyfriend and tore the downstairs apart too.  When I went upstairs to look again my 'Bridget Jones pants' were laid neatly on top of my bed.... Nobody else was in the house AND they werent there when I left the room.  I had a similar thing happen on Tuesday with a hair bow...

So what are your paranormal stories?

2 + 1 = 3? Pt 3

Here we go again, another weekly update.


This week I have had conversations with a lot of people and been given some 'choice' advice. I now have a group of women who read these certain posts and have shared their own experiences with me too, in private . So hi 


:) 



I wish I could say that I feel one single emotion this week, but I don't! There have been a few significant feelings. I think the whole situation is very confusing for everyone involved.  This is similar to walking on a tightrope you have to be careful not to fall too far one way. 


The first thing I ahve to talk about is something that actually made me piss myself laughing, I'm actually crying with laughter now thinking about it

'Daddy'

The funny: I was sitting with my OH's (other halfs)  little boy about a month ago looking through a paper and as a joke I pointed at a picture of Yoda and said 'Look there's daddy', and he copied me. I'd completely forgotten about it until Friday I was pushing him in a buggy up the high street and he shouted 'look there's daddy' and pointed at a display in the Vodafone shop window with Yoda in it. I was absolutely crying with laughter and my boyfriend looked mortified. HAHAHAHAHA 

The ugly: One thing that I really don't like is the amount that his son hits people. So yeah he's only small, but I  hate being hit by anyone and I worked in a nursery and children his age and younger didn't hit or hurt other people. I don't know why he does it and I never know what to say to my OH sometimes. His son scratched him really badly during a tantrum and punches him if my OH tells him off and he randomly starts hitting me when I walk near him or hug his daddy and hits other people, and it's like 'Why the frick do you put up with that?'

 I helped bring up family members the same age and they NEVER hit because they know it's bad. If they ever hit anybody they'd be put on the naughty step straight away, especially if it was a girl that they hit so I find it really hard to tolerate sometimes.  I ain't criticizing his parenting but it just annoys me because he is obviously hurt. Like when his son scratched him, and I mean he drew blood and it was a deep scratch, I was like 'Dude wtf your kid just hurt you badly' and my OH was just like 'Oh it's fine, it didn't even hurt'

Crazy.

The Awkward: One thing that makes my OH and me feel awkward is the fact that his little boy keeps looking out the window and shouting his brothers name and pointing at photos of my OH as a kid and shouting his brothers name.  It just makes everything so awkward. This (and this don't half sound poetic) blanket of awkwardness descends and envelops everything in the room when he does it. Like everyone has forgotten that the mother and his brother exist and you're rudely brung back to earth.  Bless his cottons he must be so confused with people trampling in and out of his life.

The sweet: The little one has invented a very sweet new game.  He will point at something scream and shout 'I scared, I want a cuddle'. Very cute, although I get the impression he does it for the hugs ;) It's things like that that make it all worth it. 

The bad: Sometimes the little one is a total brat. He whines if you don't give him attention, he whines that your not doing things right. He whines if you pay attention to someone else, like if I hug his dad he runs over and starts shouting 'My daddy go away' and hitting me and screaming on the floor. He refuses to say please or thank you (really) and it grinds me down because all the whining makes me wanna scream and run away. I don't know how my boyfriend feels if I feel that way!

 He gets everything he wants on demand from my OH and his grandparents and is quite spoilt and if you dare to say no, all fricken hell breaks loose.  I worked with children for two years AND look after my family children and they know that NO MEANS NO and none of the other children acted up like my OH's son does. It's painful to watch sometimes knowing that you have no say in the discipline. The thing is my OH's parents butt-in a lot with the childcare and I don't know if he feels the same way. Is this bad ? 

The difficult: (Avert your eyes if you wish) For some reason, whenever my OH is with his son I feel no attraction towards him whatsoever. It's like when his son walks through the door all sexual attraction goes and sometimes I get really funny about my other half even touching me when he is with his son. I have NO idea why! I've researched it and talked to someone about it and they've said it's normal for me to not want him to touch me and it's good that it passes and I can have a normal relationship with him without his son there but I feel bad.  He picks upon me not wanting him to touch me too, and i dread to think how that makes him feel. 

Apparently it's several things that cause this. Ones a 'primal' thing: he's had a child with someone else, so my body sends me signals to go away because he has already mated with somebody and doesn't need a new mate. Another theory is alienation: I think it is both because whenever I don't want him to touch me it's when I feel at my most alienated and I feel like I shouldn't be within five foot of him. Another problem is the fact that if I do hug his daddy on the sofa, the little one will push me away and I'm just sat there alone at the other end of the sofa like a fricken gooseberry! Is this normal? Does it pass? I feel bad for everything that I write!  :(

I really want to finish this post on a lighthearted note and I'm going to share something with you that melted my heart.

I try to read stories to and with him and let him 'read' them to me. Every time I go there we look at a book together so before I came over to see him and my OH last week I put a few books in my bag for him to read. After my OH picked him up I said 'Hello I've got a present for you, I've got you some new stories!' When we got into my OH's house, his little one ran straight up the stairs and my OH was trying to manhandle a dog and his sons bags and keep the door from shutting on me so I said 'I'll go after him'.  When I got up stairs the little one was trying to jump up onto the bed which I thought was weird so I helped him up and he started shouting 'story' and I realized he'd raced upstairs for me to read to him! After not seeing me for over a month, for him to have remembered our 'story times' together, melted my heart.

Like I said in my first post, you need to be sure and know about every part of the experience to come before getting with a guy with a kid. Feel free to contact me private or publicly with your views or experiences

That is all for this week.

The incessant rambler x

I need to lay off the cheese

I had such a girl dream last night but I wanted to blog about it because it was fucked up and Gary Lucy is HOT. I also think someone is spiking my bedtime cup of tea with acid. 

I was going out with Kyle Pascoe. This is Kyle Pascoe. 

Kyle Pascoe, from ITV1  series Footballers Wives.

We were lounging around drinking champagne in a bar with our friends and I had all swishy hair, like in a Herbal Essences advert and a nice dress and we were milling around chatting when he proposed to me with a huge ring and everyone was congratulating us. Then we sat down and he said we were throwing a Greek themed party (wtf) and I'd need a new dress. I started moaning that I have no money so he just gave me a wodge of cash and said 'here babe here's 3 grand go and get us some dinner and yourself a pair of shoes' and I proceeded to thank him in typical WAG fashion ;) 

 So I got in a taxi and somehow ended up in the reduced aisle in Tesco (if i was a footballers wife surely I'd be in Dean and DeLuca or Harrods, not pissing Tesco) and I kept getting pizza off the shelf and putting it on another one. Then I was looking for the toilet and I walked into a nursery in the toilet (wtf again) and all the children were sitting in front of the toilet cubicle at a long table and everytime I tried to get to the toilet the children were all reaching out for me with sticky hands and making my dress fall off so I ran out where Kyle was waiting and we went up this huge hill in a taxi.  

 When we were in the taxi all these people started chasing it and I was screaming and hitting Kyle with my handbag. (This I would actually do) and a bloke with a prosthetic leg jumped in the car next to me and told me he was in love with me and my fiancee, so I started hitting him with the handbag and he said 'right now you've asked for this' and was suddenly topless and started taking his prosthetic leg off and Kyle jumped out the car and ran away into the distance (typical footballer)and Prosthetic Leg man started turning pink and just started at me laughing and I was shouting 'WTF GET OUT OF MY CAR' and he kept laughing.

Then I woke up. 

Seriously WTF, pink men with missing legs, children in the toilet, marrying footballers. I think I took one too many spoonfuls of cough syrup! 

Mexxy and 2+1=3 Update.

A quick message about my tiny little sister.I got a little sister that I get barely get to see. I see her for two hours then after that I have to leave on top of that I see her about once a month (that is being generous).I'm sorry J*** I don't get to see you like I want to and need to, I just wish you knew I want to.Apparently I'm an unfit sister because my dad and her mother split up and hey presto I am banned from seeing MY OWN SISTER. The little girl that I taught to read Green Eggs and Ham, and all manner of doctor Zeus books, The girl who I helped with her handwriting and get over her fear of going on the big-girl swings at the park, ME. Your mother is low down, she's doing everything to hurt Dad right now, not realizing that it';s hurting you too.
Last time I saw her I collected her from school and she was shy and didn't want to speak to me much. She hadn't seen me for two months and had thought that her big sister didn't love her anymore. Everytime I think of her I burst out crying because she is the apple of my eye.I WANT TO SEE HER NOW. I can't take much more of this. Every time I get granted access it gets cancelled. I have piles of christmas and easter presents that I haven't been able to give her. heart BREAKING.

Now, lets talk Mexxy.http://www.itv.com/news/meridian/2012-03-28/legal-high-given-12-month-ban/I was watching the news today and I heard the saddening story above, when a HORRIBLE chilling feeling crept down my spine, the drug was called Mexxy. Sounding very similar to the chemical name (Methoxetamine) of a drug SWIM (someone who isn't me) has dubbed 'Spaceman'.  As you can probably tell from the chemical name, it is a 'legal' ketamine but it produces terrifying effects.People I know have been laying in slobbering heaps on a sofa, wacked out of their heads on this shit. Apparently they couldn't even go to the toilet by themselves and were dribbling everywhere from just ONE LINE of this shit they trip out and are 'paralyzed'. It is powerful stuff.  I was offered to try it and declined.

Back to the news story, The reason I got chills down my spine was because a few days ago somebody so close to me was ill as fuck from this shit.  They told me they had a line of spaceman the night before and when I arrived (8 hours later) begged me to take them to the hospital.  They were cold, sweating and shivering, grinding their teeth, couldn't hold a conversation or stop throwing up. Today I realised how close this person came to dying.  If this person died part of me would have died to. They were lucky, unlike the two guys above.  My advice to anyone is, just because it's 'legal' doesn't mean some Chinese dude isn't mixing it in his bath tub with a shit load of rat poison.  I'm shaking reading this because they could have died, fuck, shitballs, FUCK!



I wrote a blog recently called 2+1=3http://peachypeachpeach-peaches.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/what-happens-when-two-turns-to-three.htmlIt gets harder, believe it or not it does. Prepare to spend a lot of time feeling alienated and useless. Prepare to have your heart melted a few times. Prepare to get pissed off with what your partner does. Prepare to feel broody as sin. Prepare to feel proud everytime you make a breakthrough. Prepare to feel like you want to run home, hide under your duvet and cry while watching Bridget Jones. Prepare to be up at 2AM with a screaming child. Prepare to realise that you are gathering a lot of life experience just from sitting in one room. Prepare to feel terribly jealous and sometimes out of place.  Prepare to look at your partner differently, and most importantly prepare yourself for the challenges that lay ahead.

It such a strange feeling, you feel further away from your partner then ever before while feeling quite close to them at the same time. I urge anybody to think carefully before getting into this kind of situation. I adore my partner and his little boy but it takes it's toll on YOU as daddy's/mummy's partner in a way that is never taken notice of.  For this reason I am determined to keep this blog going for as long as I can so you can see how your feelings change everyday and to support others in my situation. Today has been tough on me, so tough and I'm feeling quite down. Tomorrow I will probably be blissfully happy, who knows, maybe it's the lack of sleep and the mixed emotions? I sound selfish and bratish but I don't care YOU need to see before you get yourself into this, how hard it is. It's not all sunshine and rainbows and trips to the park. I was up at 2AM because his child would not stop crying all night and I felt more scared then anything because my boyfriend was getting stressed and so was his child and I couldn't help neither of them.  I feel awkward half the time like I know how to help but I have no right to and I feel like everyone is observing how I am with his son like I'm an animal in a zoo and I feel like I can't do things right and then my other half says I'm acting off with him but it's because I feel lonely and alienated, like there is a big glass wall between us and don't want to overstep my boundaries as he probably thinks 'she has no children what does she know?'

 Is this normal? I'm so confused.

My TV and a large cuppa tea is calling me, I have a headache.

Here's to a better day tomorrow everyone.

Thank you for reading again, and sorry for the negative tone.

The incessant rambler xx

Things I'm thinking right now.

Hello.


I just found some photos of me closing my first sale WAHOO. That was the best feeling in the world at 16 years old to be talking to a couple who were in their late 50's selling them worktops at 300000000x the price of what they were actually worth. I felt like the queen of sales, like every time I walked into the showroom everyone should curtsy  and  roll out red carpet whilst a celestial choir sung and the wind blew my hair about. Well that feeling lasted for ten seconds. 
Working in sales is a job where you act glossy and enthusiastic all day then you go home and drink gin like a sailor to numb out the pain of the drudgery.  So glad I quit that shit. 


My waistline is vastly expanding. I don't know why. I want to be skinny and toned and look amazing in a bikini, but frankly I like food too much. I'd rather eat 1000 chocolate bars then a salad. I like booze too much to stop drinking it and I'm slowly working my way out of my size 8 jeans with every bite of this doughnut I'm eating *sigh* I'd rather lay on the sofa drinking beer and eating chips then go jogging. I'm thinking of getting one of those pad things you always see with a tanned woman laying on a sofa eating popcorn, where you hook yourself up to the mains and electrocute your way to a six pack. I'd rather have a 6 pack of Carling! 


Please tell me I'm not the only person that mimes along to a song when they're listening to it and pretends that they are actually singing it?
 Right now I'm pretending I'm Drake and I'm not afraid to admit it (ok well I am that's why I put it on my blog rather then my Facebook status but you get the jist) I'm even dancing around like a psychopath ,god knows what my neighbor thinks. She must think she lives next door to a heard of elephants with a penchant for playing twister. 


Just a quick message to the females of the town I live in: SHUT YOUR LEGS, USE A CONDOM AND GET A JOB AND STOP SPONGING OFF PEOPLE WHO CAN BE ARSED TO WORK. YOU HAVE NO NEED FOR BENEFITS THE ONLY REASON THAT YOU ARE ON THEM IS BECAUSE YOU ARE BONE IDLE AND LAZY AND LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN CREATING SEVERAL CHILDREN THAT YOU CAN CLAIM MONEY FOR. LEAVE THE BENEFITS FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE ILL AND HAVE A GENUINE NEED FOR THEM AND GO WORK IN PRIMARK WHERE YOU BELONG *ahem* 


*cough cough nudge nudge* 


I can feel another protest coming on with all this talk of budget cuts, I can feel it. It's like an itch that needs to be scratched. I need to shout and hold a sign and shout some more.  I love a good protest. 


I really like my bed at the moment it's soo warm and cosy and lovely and just mmmm. Would be even better if my OH was in it with me ;) Being ill is giving me some crazy ass dreams. It must be the cough medicine but damn the dreams it gives me I should be bagging this stuff up and selling it by the ounce. Last night I dreamt of a normal day but everyone was a snake with a human face and the night before I had a horrible death dream. 


I love you too, I just wish your mother would have hugged you too. 


Have you ever tried gooseberry yoghurt? It is GORGEOUS. 


A couple of my friends have been away in Cornwall and I have missed them being online and talking to them. I can't wait to catch up with them.  Although I'm sure they've kept each other perfectly occupied in a way I'd rather not hear the gory details of ;) 


I miss my OH, I need a cuddle.


God damn the NHS. I have my hand in a sling and am in constant pain because they refuse to do anything until I finish taking their ridiculous tablets, which have done nothing but make me ill. My finger is in constant pain which has now spread down to my arm and wrist. Are you telling me that’s normal? They have left me taking antibiotics  and refused to lance my finger or investigate further meaning the infection has now spread down my arm and probably into my bone. They barely looked at it and just threw a prescription at me. Then I go to A&E for a nurse to just tell me ‘Don’t bother coming back until you've finished the antibiotics’ while I was crying in pain because my hand has swelled up and ushered me out the door. 8^th wonder of the world my arse. They are too quick to throw tablets at you these days. 


I've run out of steam now, that is all my rambling done for one night. 


Adios


The incessant rambler x

FunctionalAlcoholisim

Please click this link and turn up your speakerswhile reading this blog the song goes perfectly and describes my feelings:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjKRNVf_BwY 

My name’s ***** and my mum is an alcoholic. 

When you think of alcoholics you think of wino’s on the street swigging cheap cider, or people who sit around all day swigging gin from the bottle and not going outside or even washing themselves. As people who have lost everything, or tramps fighting with straws to suck up sick from the pavement because it may have some alcohol still in it.

 My mum is neither. She is a high-functioning alcoholic and I think this is the worst kind because the only people that can see the damage are the ones closest to the alcoholic.

Definition:

Many people think of alcoholics as disheveled, homeless winos who have lost everything, but there are people who meet the criteria for a medical diagnosis for alcohol dependence who are highly functional in society and still have their jobs, homes and families. This type of drinker is known as a functional alcoholic. They rarely miss work and other obligations because of their drinking, although it does happen occasionally, and they usually excel at their jobs and careers. Typically, they are clever and witty individuals who are successful in many areas of their lives. To all but those who are closest to them, they give the outward appearance of being perfectly normal.

To the outside world my mum is a hard-working, intelligent, witty mother of two children and a cracking housewife.  There is always dinner being cooked, washing on the line, and beds being made. She never takes a day off work, always looks neat and presentable and makes sure my sister always gets to school.  Behind closed doors however, she will drink two bottles of wine to herself a night, having her first glass as soon as she steps through the door from work.  She drinks them alone on the sofa in her pyjamas watching TV. 

My mum never smiles.

She is in denial that she has a problem and is fiercely defensive if you mention alcohol. A classic example was last Sunday. She was drunk (again) and putting my sister to bed and stepped on something and started going mad at my little sister, blaming her for her injury. My sister (who I am so very proud of) said to her ‘Stop shouting at me it’s not my fault, it’s happened because you are drunk’. Instantly my mum denied it was anything to do with alcohol.  Any time you mention alcohol or that she might have a problem she denies it straight away.

My mum is always depressed and distances herself away from myself and my sister.  I try all the time to connect with her and ask hers whats wrong but she just wont tell me or admit she has a problem. She has a monotonous relationship with her boyfriend and she isn't really happy with him. I think she feels lonely and he's just there.  I feel like my own mother doesn't like me or love me at all and it hurts. It hurts so much to not be able to help somebody you love when they clearly need help.  She jokes about being an alcoholic all the time, another classic symptom. I know I can't have a conversation with her, so it is just me and my sister with this woman. Yes she does my washing but that doesn't make her a mother, the laundrette could do that. I need my mum to love me.

My mum scares me too.  I worry about her, she looks dead behind the eyes and doesn’t look enthused about anything.  One day I was watching a film in bed and my mum came in (drunk) and said ‘do you love me’ so I said yes of course. Then she asked for a hug and I gave her one, but as I hugged her she said ‘You could hug me like you mean it’ and I didn’t know what she was talking about.  For some reason it invoked the strangest mix of emotions in me. I looked at her and saw a scared little girl just crying out for some love and attention, but I also saw a pathetic drunk woman with no self control.  I have no idea why but that actually haunts me to this day.

I’ve never told anyone this but I wake up every morning expecting to find that she has killed herself in the night.

It has affected my little sister too.  She is 11 and has definitely got my attitude; she also swears like a sailor and is a female Louis Spence.  I adore that girl and I am so proud to be her sister.  I love her so much I’d do ANYTHING to stop her hurting.  My mum makes her hurt on the inside, my sister sits on my bed and cries to me that mum is always drunk and she never wants to drink when she’s a grown up because of how our mum gets. My sister tells me 'my children are NEVER going to drink' a classic sign that she knows our mum has something wrong. She is 11 for fucks sake, she should be out playing with her friends and kissing boys at school.  She has such a lovely face, with a cheeky smile and big brown eyes. But her eyes are older than her years and seeing her youthful innocence combined with the worry in her face kills me.  Without sounding like Gary Glitter I watch her sometimes when she doesn’t know I’m looking and she looks so sad because she knows deep down our mum is not normal, but as soon as she sees me looking she gives me a big grin.  

My sister is going to be a terrible teenager and I know that will set my mums drinking off even more.  I can see the inevitable future, me leaving home (very soon), my mum feeling lonely and drinking more, my sister being a handful, my mum drinking more, then one day my mum will die or get seriously ill from her excessive drinking.  I don’t want to lose my mum.  I love her too much and the thought terrifies me but she can’t admit there is a problem. I don't feel right moving out and leaving my sister but I am subtly teaching my little sister how to make her own meals and do basic household tasks so I know she will always be ok.

This sounds harsh but I know what I need to do.  If her drinking escalates I'm going to drive to my mums, get my little sister and bring her to live with me.  I then need to leave my mother to continue to damage herself until one day she can stop of her own accord.  I am young and I deserve to be able to be happy building a life with my other half, without constantly worrying about my mum and sister.  My boyfriend put it into words for me, he often says 'I can't tell who's the mum and whose the daughter in this house'.

I want a mum that can stay sober for a week. I want a mum who is close to me and allows me to get close to her so I can talk about stuff like how big my arse has got, my boyfriend, periods etc.  I want a mum who smiles and laughs.  I want a mum who has enough self respect and self esteem to put the bottle down.  I want her to see how beautiful and strong and independent she is and how much I love and care about her. I want the mum back that I had when I was little.

When I think about her and her problem I just cry.  Even writing this blog there are tears all over the fucking laptop.  I look like Marylin Manson half the time because when I think about the tears just start for some reason.  I want her to get better and I want me, her and my sister to be a family again.

Thank you for reading. Yet again I’ve rambled on like no tomorrow haha.

The incessant rambler xox