Bah humbug

The festive season:

Christmas and NewYear, occasions that divide the nation. Most people love it, but for others it has them screaming 'PASS ME THE GUN', i am one of those people.Thank god another period of festive torture has ended, I am not alone in hating the festive season and here's why:

•parties-

You try to drown out the dark blanket of depression descending on you with the knowledge that the Yuletide season is nearly upon us by downing as much free alcohol at the office Christmas party as possible- only to wake up the next morning groggy, hungover and under the photocopier with the accountant wrapped round you like a sausage wrapped in bacon.

That and the CONSTANT partying you suddenly find yourself to be the most popular on earth with invites flying at you left right and centre, drinking cheap fizzy wine, mulled wine, baileys, eggnog(puke), snowballs, basically anything with a percentage leaving you feeling permanently hungover in the new year.... Pass me the Asprin!


•family

Spending 2+ days crammed into a confined space with people who crawl up from the deepest darkest corners of your family. Whether it's your granny, who after some sprouts turns the living room into a modern day gas chamber, your drunk mother who decides to redecorate by falling into the Christmas tree sending balls and tinsel flying across the room, or that one sprog screaming at you to put MORE batteries in the 300 toys they've just unwrapped. You suddenly are expected to visit distant relatives such as your dads mums sisters aunties cousins nephew, just because they are family, or great aunt Mavis who constantly enquires why I'm not married with a baby yet..., Ah you gotta love family.

•gifts

There is a huge obligation to send a Christmas card to every Tom Dick and Harry you've ever met. There is nothing like coming in from a hard day to step through the front door to be greeted with a blizzard of cards cascading across the hallway.

And presents, if someone surprises you with a gift you have to run round Tesco like a mad woman buying them a gift in return.. How should I know what to buy the girl who sits next to me in College who surprised me with a pair of novelty socks?!.... This ladies and gentleman is why Poundland was invented.

On top of the unexpected gifts there are the gifts from family. Thank you for giving me so much bath foam and socks, I'll not need to buy any more until 2038.
(maybe I stink? Or maybe there is going to be some kind of Blitz style sock shortage I haven't heard about?)

•new years

Happy new year by the way, love from the incessant rambler xo

New year becomes the social event of the year, everyone makes plans and boasts about what they're doing... At the end of the day we are all doing the same thing, watching a clock. If rather watch paint dry.

Fireworks exploding everywhere you look, drunk people dribbling on you as they wish you a happy new year, ridiculously overpriced taxis and drinks... London ain't looked like that since the Blitz.

•miscellaneous

Being forced to give a Kiss to the spotty scrote whose fancied you since nursery, simply because he's brandishing a sprig of mistletoe

The 'how was your Christmas/new year?' conversation with the next 50000 people you speak to.

The horrible horrible moment you go to put on your clothes to get back to reality and realise that you've put on weight due to your indulgences (hey I like mince pies leave me alone!)

The constant sound of songs being brutally murdered on karaoke machines, whilst hearing 'I wish it could be Christmas everyday' 100000 times on the radio before December has even begun.

Having to not look upset when you open a card and no money falls out...( we all do it)

Wading through the sea of wrapping paper, envelopes, cards and food wrappers that used to be your bin cupboard, before sitting down to watch spirit crushing, mind numbing gameshows or Oliver Twist AGAIN

And finally
The knitted brown jumper from granny for Christmas. Cheers love...

Pass me my AK-47.


I'd however, like to take this opp. To say I hope you had a greatchristmas and a ecstatic new year

X