I'm not a fan of writing emotional stuff on my blog but I feel compelled to share my experience as on the net you never get the views of the boyfriends girlfriend.
New relationships are hard, but they get even harder when you find out your partner has a child. If I am 100% honest I went into the relationship with rose tinted spectacles without properly thinking about the gravity of the situation. Everybody has major views on the subject and technically, I am sweet fuck all to do with his child but it doesn't mean to say I cant feel anything about it. The tone of this blog sounds very negative but its not!
I've always been to kind of person children love, that one person where by the end of an event children are all gathered round me. Growing up my mum was a chikdminder and I worked in a nursery, I also looked after family and friends children so I am good with them and my friends and OH say I'd be a great mum :) however changing hundreds of shitty nappies and dealing with temper tantrums was nothing emotionally compared to this.
My boyfriend has a lovely little boy, who thankfully really likes me and I know I'm lucky because at three years old I met my stepdad and I hated him from the start, and I would be upset if my OH (other halfs) kid hated me.
I ain't his mother, but I hold a special place in my heart for him. I am so very, very fond of him and care about him a lot
The ex factor: whether my OH likes it or not he is always connected to his ex girlfriend. Forever. And that is one fact you cannot ignore as the partner of someone with a child. Breaking up with your other child's parent Is not like a usual breakup where you can chuck their shit in the bin, comfort eat, watch Bridget Jones a few times, then forget about them.
From what ive read online and my own experience a lot of people in my position struggle to deal with 'the ex factor', I certainly do. It really grates on me, especially when my OH talks about her or her other kids and has photos of her other children, its like having the past constantly dangled in your face. Yes, its jealous behaviour on my part but its human. Every woman I've come across who's OH has a child with someone else says 'I wish I was the first person to give him a child' and I totally agree with that. It also bothers me that he gets bothered by her and when you love someone you want to make whatever or whoever is upsetting them go away, which due to the fact she is his babys mother will never happen. I feel like crap because I can't help him and he's unwilling to help himself :(
Scared: I hope to stay with his daddy for a long time but i don't wanna be a 'evil stepmother. I know lots of people who are influenced by other family members to hate their stepmum, what if he grows up and hates me?
Middle ground: his son calls me mummy sometimes. a few weeks ago we were all in the supermarket and I was teaching my OHs son to say robot, and pointing out robots to him. I went to get something off the shelf for my OH and his son shouted 'mummy robot' and pointed at a robot. I just looked at my OH completely dumbfounded and said 'I'm gonna leave that to you', the next time he saw me he called me it twice again and when I saw him last night he called me it several times. I know to take it with a pinch of salt because he's young,but part of me can't help feeling a bit thrilled when he says it, even though it is probably totally wrong of me. I always feel guilty and slightly panicky when he says it too, very guilty.
Nervous: my OHs son copies nearly everything I say so I'm always nervous about dropping an f-bomb or saying something bad around him. I'm so nervous for him to like me because I want to be with his daddy for a long time and I care more about having his approval then anyone else's. I wanna be his friend and help him out in life and be there for him and teach him more words :)
It's weird to see them sitting next to each other sometimes and looking at the few similarities between them. This sounds so retarded but I just look at them and suddenly get hit by this thought of 'fuck me you actually have a child' and it happens everytime! It's not a bad reaction, its just realitys way of hitting home.
Happy: the OHs son has me in stitches all the time. He does so many cute things and is such a lovely child. Whenever I'm with him I feel happy and calm and all smiles. He does this awesome thing when he's supposed to be going to sleep and lays on the sofa then when my OH goes out the room he'll look up at me and give me a really cheeky smile and lay down again when he sees my OH coming back in. Or when me and him are playing and he shouts 'go away daddy' to my OH . I also look forward to seeing him when I do :)
Jealous: Ialso get jealous at times too. I have fertility problems and knowing that I may not be able to have children breaks my heart (I couldnt afford IVF if I wanted it) so I get jealous when he says things like 'oh MY son blah blah blah' it's petty, but sometimes my health problems make it hard to deal with.
Over the moon: The first time I met him was on Christmas day and he liked me from the start which made me so happy, because I was worried he'd cry or something when I came in and I was shaking I was so nervous. But he just started showing me his new toys and I relaxed a bit. I love teaching him new words, going to the park and getting 'cuggles' from him and the look on his face when he sees me and most importantly the smile on his daddys face when he sees us together.
I'd warn people to think carefully before getting into a relationship with someone with a child. There are several barriers to overcome that I'd never realised. I walked in with out knowing these emotions would arise. It's difficult and you have to be prepared to make sacrifices such as not going out with your OH and having to sit in instead, or barely getting a word in to your partner through the tantrums. If you are not able to deal with these DON'T date a person with a child. Now I've overcome the initial problems I now have to deal with the horrible fact that if my relationship with my OH ends, my relationship that I'm building with his son ends too.
It's hard to remind yourself that it is not your child and that your not allowed to get emotionally attached.
Overall, although its taxing emotionally and my OH gets very stressed out and I've had to deal with various emotions, I absoloutley love it when he asks me to read him a story or even reads one to me! Or asks me to play cars or chats to me about what he's drawing. The best part is when he gives me a cuddle or comes to sit on me on the sofa, its little things like that, which make the experience so rewarding :)
The incessant rambler x
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