Mexxy and 2+1=3 Update.

A quick message about my tiny little sister.I got a little sister that I get barely get to see. I see her for two hours then after that I have to leave on top of that I see her about once a month (that is being generous).I'm sorry J*** I don't get to see you like I want to and need to, I just wish you knew I want to.Apparently I'm an unfit sister because my dad and her mother split up and hey presto I am banned from seeing MY OWN SISTER. The little girl that I taught to read Green Eggs and Ham, and all manner of doctor Zeus books, The girl who I helped with her handwriting and get over her fear of going on the big-girl swings at the park, ME. Your mother is low down, she's doing everything to hurt Dad right now, not realizing that it';s hurting you too.
Last time I saw her I collected her from school and she was shy and didn't want to speak to me much. She hadn't seen me for two months and had thought that her big sister didn't love her anymore. Everytime I think of her I burst out crying because she is the apple of my eye.I WANT TO SEE HER NOW. I can't take much more of this. Every time I get granted access it gets cancelled. I have piles of christmas and easter presents that I haven't been able to give her. heart BREAKING.

Now, lets talk Mexxy.http://www.itv.com/news/meridian/2012-03-28/legal-high-given-12-month-ban/I was watching the news today and I heard the saddening story above, when a HORRIBLE chilling feeling crept down my spine, the drug was called Mexxy. Sounding very similar to the chemical name (Methoxetamine) of a drug SWIM (someone who isn't me) has dubbed 'Spaceman'.  As you can probably tell from the chemical name, it is a 'legal' ketamine but it produces terrifying effects.People I know have been laying in slobbering heaps on a sofa, wacked out of their heads on this shit. Apparently they couldn't even go to the toilet by themselves and were dribbling everywhere from just ONE LINE of this shit they trip out and are 'paralyzed'. It is powerful stuff.  I was offered to try it and declined.

Back to the news story, The reason I got chills down my spine was because a few days ago somebody so close to me was ill as fuck from this shit.  They told me they had a line of spaceman the night before and when I arrived (8 hours later) begged me to take them to the hospital.  They were cold, sweating and shivering, grinding their teeth, couldn't hold a conversation or stop throwing up. Today I realised how close this person came to dying.  If this person died part of me would have died to. They were lucky, unlike the two guys above.  My advice to anyone is, just because it's 'legal' doesn't mean some Chinese dude isn't mixing it in his bath tub with a shit load of rat poison.  I'm shaking reading this because they could have died, fuck, shitballs, FUCK!



I wrote a blog recently called 2+1=3http://peachypeachpeach-peaches.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/what-happens-when-two-turns-to-three.htmlIt gets harder, believe it or not it does. Prepare to spend a lot of time feeling alienated and useless. Prepare to have your heart melted a few times. Prepare to get pissed off with what your partner does. Prepare to feel broody as sin. Prepare to feel proud everytime you make a breakthrough. Prepare to feel like you want to run home, hide under your duvet and cry while watching Bridget Jones. Prepare to be up at 2AM with a screaming child. Prepare to realise that you are gathering a lot of life experience just from sitting in one room. Prepare to feel terribly jealous and sometimes out of place.  Prepare to look at your partner differently, and most importantly prepare yourself for the challenges that lay ahead.

It such a strange feeling, you feel further away from your partner then ever before while feeling quite close to them at the same time. I urge anybody to think carefully before getting into this kind of situation. I adore my partner and his little boy but it takes it's toll on YOU as daddy's/mummy's partner in a way that is never taken notice of.  For this reason I am determined to keep this blog going for as long as I can so you can see how your feelings change everyday and to support others in my situation. Today has been tough on me, so tough and I'm feeling quite down. Tomorrow I will probably be blissfully happy, who knows, maybe it's the lack of sleep and the mixed emotions? I sound selfish and bratish but I don't care YOU need to see before you get yourself into this, how hard it is. It's not all sunshine and rainbows and trips to the park. I was up at 2AM because his child would not stop crying all night and I felt more scared then anything because my boyfriend was getting stressed and so was his child and I couldn't help neither of them.  I feel awkward half the time like I know how to help but I have no right to and I feel like everyone is observing how I am with his son like I'm an animal in a zoo and I feel like I can't do things right and then my other half says I'm acting off with him but it's because I feel lonely and alienated, like there is a big glass wall between us and don't want to overstep my boundaries as he probably thinks 'she has no children what does she know?'

 Is this normal? I'm so confused.

My TV and a large cuppa tea is calling me, I have a headache.

Here's to a better day tomorrow everyone.

Thank you for reading again, and sorry for the negative tone.

The incessant rambler xx

Things I'm thinking right now.

Hello.


I just found some photos of me closing my first sale WAHOO. That was the best feeling in the world at 16 years old to be talking to a couple who were in their late 50's selling them worktops at 300000000x the price of what they were actually worth. I felt like the queen of sales, like every time I walked into the showroom everyone should curtsy  and  roll out red carpet whilst a celestial choir sung and the wind blew my hair about. Well that feeling lasted for ten seconds. 
Working in sales is a job where you act glossy and enthusiastic all day then you go home and drink gin like a sailor to numb out the pain of the drudgery.  So glad I quit that shit. 


My waistline is vastly expanding. I don't know why. I want to be skinny and toned and look amazing in a bikini, but frankly I like food too much. I'd rather eat 1000 chocolate bars then a salad. I like booze too much to stop drinking it and I'm slowly working my way out of my size 8 jeans with every bite of this doughnut I'm eating *sigh* I'd rather lay on the sofa drinking beer and eating chips then go jogging. I'm thinking of getting one of those pad things you always see with a tanned woman laying on a sofa eating popcorn, where you hook yourself up to the mains and electrocute your way to a six pack. I'd rather have a 6 pack of Carling! 


Please tell me I'm not the only person that mimes along to a song when they're listening to it and pretends that they are actually singing it?
 Right now I'm pretending I'm Drake and I'm not afraid to admit it (ok well I am that's why I put it on my blog rather then my Facebook status but you get the jist) I'm even dancing around like a psychopath ,god knows what my neighbor thinks. She must think she lives next door to a heard of elephants with a penchant for playing twister. 


Just a quick message to the females of the town I live in: SHUT YOUR LEGS, USE A CONDOM AND GET A JOB AND STOP SPONGING OFF PEOPLE WHO CAN BE ARSED TO WORK. YOU HAVE NO NEED FOR BENEFITS THE ONLY REASON THAT YOU ARE ON THEM IS BECAUSE YOU ARE BONE IDLE AND LAZY AND LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN CREATING SEVERAL CHILDREN THAT YOU CAN CLAIM MONEY FOR. LEAVE THE BENEFITS FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE ILL AND HAVE A GENUINE NEED FOR THEM AND GO WORK IN PRIMARK WHERE YOU BELONG *ahem* 


*cough cough nudge nudge* 


I can feel another protest coming on with all this talk of budget cuts, I can feel it. It's like an itch that needs to be scratched. I need to shout and hold a sign and shout some more.  I love a good protest. 


I really like my bed at the moment it's soo warm and cosy and lovely and just mmmm. Would be even better if my OH was in it with me ;) Being ill is giving me some crazy ass dreams. It must be the cough medicine but damn the dreams it gives me I should be bagging this stuff up and selling it by the ounce. Last night I dreamt of a normal day but everyone was a snake with a human face and the night before I had a horrible death dream. 


I love you too, I just wish your mother would have hugged you too. 


Have you ever tried gooseberry yoghurt? It is GORGEOUS. 


A couple of my friends have been away in Cornwall and I have missed them being online and talking to them. I can't wait to catch up with them.  Although I'm sure they've kept each other perfectly occupied in a way I'd rather not hear the gory details of ;) 


I miss my OH, I need a cuddle.


God damn the NHS. I have my hand in a sling and am in constant pain because they refuse to do anything until I finish taking their ridiculous tablets, which have done nothing but make me ill. My finger is in constant pain which has now spread down to my arm and wrist. Are you telling me that’s normal? They have left me taking antibiotics  and refused to lance my finger or investigate further meaning the infection has now spread down my arm and probably into my bone. They barely looked at it and just threw a prescription at me. Then I go to A&E for a nurse to just tell me ‘Don’t bother coming back until you've finished the antibiotics’ while I was crying in pain because my hand has swelled up and ushered me out the door. 8^th wonder of the world my arse. They are too quick to throw tablets at you these days. 


I've run out of steam now, that is all my rambling done for one night. 


Adios


The incessant rambler x

FunctionalAlcoholisim

Please click this link and turn up your speakerswhile reading this blog the song goes perfectly and describes my feelings:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjKRNVf_BwY 

My name’s ***** and my mum is an alcoholic. 

When you think of alcoholics you think of wino’s on the street swigging cheap cider, or people who sit around all day swigging gin from the bottle and not going outside or even washing themselves. As people who have lost everything, or tramps fighting with straws to suck up sick from the pavement because it may have some alcohol still in it.

 My mum is neither. She is a high-functioning alcoholic and I think this is the worst kind because the only people that can see the damage are the ones closest to the alcoholic.

Definition:

Many people think of alcoholics as disheveled, homeless winos who have lost everything, but there are people who meet the criteria for a medical diagnosis for alcohol dependence who are highly functional in society and still have their jobs, homes and families. This type of drinker is known as a functional alcoholic. They rarely miss work and other obligations because of their drinking, although it does happen occasionally, and they usually excel at their jobs and careers. Typically, they are clever and witty individuals who are successful in many areas of their lives. To all but those who are closest to them, they give the outward appearance of being perfectly normal.

To the outside world my mum is a hard-working, intelligent, witty mother of two children and a cracking housewife.  There is always dinner being cooked, washing on the line, and beds being made. She never takes a day off work, always looks neat and presentable and makes sure my sister always gets to school.  Behind closed doors however, she will drink two bottles of wine to herself a night, having her first glass as soon as she steps through the door from work.  She drinks them alone on the sofa in her pyjamas watching TV. 

My mum never smiles.

She is in denial that she has a problem and is fiercely defensive if you mention alcohol. A classic example was last Sunday. She was drunk (again) and putting my sister to bed and stepped on something and started going mad at my little sister, blaming her for her injury. My sister (who I am so very proud of) said to her ‘Stop shouting at me it’s not my fault, it’s happened because you are drunk’. Instantly my mum denied it was anything to do with alcohol.  Any time you mention alcohol or that she might have a problem she denies it straight away.

My mum is always depressed and distances herself away from myself and my sister.  I try all the time to connect with her and ask hers whats wrong but she just wont tell me or admit she has a problem. She has a monotonous relationship with her boyfriend and she isn't really happy with him. I think she feels lonely and he's just there.  I feel like my own mother doesn't like me or love me at all and it hurts. It hurts so much to not be able to help somebody you love when they clearly need help.  She jokes about being an alcoholic all the time, another classic symptom. I know I can't have a conversation with her, so it is just me and my sister with this woman. Yes she does my washing but that doesn't make her a mother, the laundrette could do that. I need my mum to love me.

My mum scares me too.  I worry about her, she looks dead behind the eyes and doesn’t look enthused about anything.  One day I was watching a film in bed and my mum came in (drunk) and said ‘do you love me’ so I said yes of course. Then she asked for a hug and I gave her one, but as I hugged her she said ‘You could hug me like you mean it’ and I didn’t know what she was talking about.  For some reason it invoked the strangest mix of emotions in me. I looked at her and saw a scared little girl just crying out for some love and attention, but I also saw a pathetic drunk woman with no self control.  I have no idea why but that actually haunts me to this day.

I’ve never told anyone this but I wake up every morning expecting to find that she has killed herself in the night.

It has affected my little sister too.  She is 11 and has definitely got my attitude; she also swears like a sailor and is a female Louis Spence.  I adore that girl and I am so proud to be her sister.  I love her so much I’d do ANYTHING to stop her hurting.  My mum makes her hurt on the inside, my sister sits on my bed and cries to me that mum is always drunk and she never wants to drink when she’s a grown up because of how our mum gets. My sister tells me 'my children are NEVER going to drink' a classic sign that she knows our mum has something wrong. She is 11 for fucks sake, she should be out playing with her friends and kissing boys at school.  She has such a lovely face, with a cheeky smile and big brown eyes. But her eyes are older than her years and seeing her youthful innocence combined with the worry in her face kills me.  Without sounding like Gary Glitter I watch her sometimes when she doesn’t know I’m looking and she looks so sad because she knows deep down our mum is not normal, but as soon as she sees me looking she gives me a big grin.  

My sister is going to be a terrible teenager and I know that will set my mums drinking off even more.  I can see the inevitable future, me leaving home (very soon), my mum feeling lonely and drinking more, my sister being a handful, my mum drinking more, then one day my mum will die or get seriously ill from her excessive drinking.  I don’t want to lose my mum.  I love her too much and the thought terrifies me but she can’t admit there is a problem. I don't feel right moving out and leaving my sister but I am subtly teaching my little sister how to make her own meals and do basic household tasks so I know she will always be ok.

This sounds harsh but I know what I need to do.  If her drinking escalates I'm going to drive to my mums, get my little sister and bring her to live with me.  I then need to leave my mother to continue to damage herself until one day she can stop of her own accord.  I am young and I deserve to be able to be happy building a life with my other half, without constantly worrying about my mum and sister.  My boyfriend put it into words for me, he often says 'I can't tell who's the mum and whose the daughter in this house'.

I want a mum that can stay sober for a week. I want a mum who is close to me and allows me to get close to her so I can talk about stuff like how big my arse has got, my boyfriend, periods etc.  I want a mum who smiles and laughs.  I want a mum who has enough self respect and self esteem to put the bottle down.  I want her to see how beautiful and strong and independent she is and how much I love and care about her. I want the mum back that I had when I was little.

When I think about her and her problem I just cry.  Even writing this blog there are tears all over the fucking laptop.  I look like Marylin Manson half the time because when I think about the tears just start for some reason.  I want her to get better and I want me, her and my sister to be a family again.

Thank you for reading. Yet again I’ve rambled on like no tomorrow haha.

The incessant rambler xox

2+1= 3?

I'm not a fan of writing emotional stuff on my blog but I feel compelled to share my experience as on the net you never get the views of the boyfriends girlfriend.

New relationships are hard, but they get even harder when you find out your partner has a child. If I am 100% honest I went into the relationship with rose tinted spectacles without properly thinking about the gravity of the situation. Everybody has major views on the subject and technically, I am sweet fuck all to do with his child but it doesn't mean to say I cant feel anything about it. The tone of this blog sounds very negative but its not!

I've always been to kind of person children love, that one person where by the end of an event children are all gathered round me. Growing up my mum was a chikdminder and I worked in a nursery, I also looked after family and friends children so I am good with them and my friends and OH say I'd be a great mum :) however changing hundreds of shitty nappies and dealing with temper tantrums was nothing emotionally compared to this.

My boyfriend has a lovely little boy, who thankfully really likes me and I know I'm lucky because at three years old I met my stepdad and I hated him from the start, and I would be upset if my OH (other halfs) kid hated me.

I ain't his mother, but I hold a special place in my heart for him. I am so very, very fond of him and care about him a lot

The ex factor: whether my OH likes it or not he is always connected to his ex girlfriend. Forever. And that is one fact you cannot ignore as the partner of someone with a child. Breaking up with your other child's parent Is not like a usual breakup where you can chuck their shit in the bin, comfort eat, watch Bridget Jones a few times, then forget about them.

From what ive read online and my own experience a lot of people in my position struggle to deal with 'the ex factor', I certainly do. It really grates on me, especially when my OH talks about her or her other kids and has photos of her other children, its like having the past constantly dangled in your face. Yes, its jealous behaviour on my part but its human. Every woman I've come across who's OH has a child with someone else says 'I wish I was the first person to give him a child' and I totally agree with that. It also bothers me that he gets bothered by her and when you love someone you want to make whatever or whoever is upsetting them go away, which due to the fact she is his babys mother will never happen. I feel like crap because I can't help him and he's unwilling to help himself :(

Scared: I hope to stay with his daddy for a long time but i don't wanna be a 'evil stepmother. I know lots of people who are influenced by other family members to hate their stepmum, what if he grows up and hates me?

Middle ground: his son calls me mummy sometimes. a few weeks ago we were all in the supermarket and I was teaching my OHs son to say robot, and pointing out robots to him. I went to get something off the shelf for my OH and his son shouted 'mummy robot' and pointed at a robot. I just looked at my OH completely dumbfounded and said 'I'm gonna leave that to you', the next time he saw me he called me it twice again and when I saw him last night he called me it several times. I know to take it with a pinch of salt because he's young,but part of me can't help feeling a bit thrilled when he says it, even though it is probably totally wrong of me. I always feel guilty and slightly panicky when he says it too, very guilty.

Nervous: my OHs son copies nearly everything I say so I'm always nervous about dropping an f-bomb or saying something bad around him. I'm so nervous for him to like me because I want to be with his daddy for a long time and I care more about having his approval then anyone else's. I wanna be his friend and help him out in life and be there for him and teach him more words :)

It's weird to see them sitting next to each other sometimes and looking at the few similarities between them. This sounds so retarded but I just look at them and suddenly get hit by this thought of 'fuck me you actually have a child' and it happens everytime! It's not a bad reaction, its just realitys way of hitting home.

Happy: the OHs son has me in stitches all the time. He does so many cute things and is such a lovely child. Whenever I'm with him I feel happy and calm and all smiles. He does this awesome thing when he's supposed to be going to sleep and lays on the sofa then when my OH goes out the room he'll look up at me and give me a really cheeky smile and lay down again when he sees my OH coming back in. Or when me and him are playing and he shouts 'go away daddy' to my OH . I also look forward to seeing him when I do :)

Jealous: Ialso get jealous at times too. I have fertility problems and knowing that I may not be able to have children breaks my heart (I couldnt afford IVF if I wanted it) so I get jealous when he says things like 'oh MY son blah blah blah' it's petty, but sometimes my health problems make it hard to deal with.

Over the moon: The first time I met him was on Christmas day and he liked me from the start which made me so happy, because I was worried he'd cry or something when I came in and I was shaking I was so nervous. But he just started showing me his new toys and I relaxed a bit. I love teaching him new words, going to the park and getting 'cuggles' from him and the look on his face when he sees me and most importantly the smile on his daddys face when he sees us together.

I'd warn people to think carefully before getting into a relationship with someone with a child. There are several barriers to overcome that I'd never realised. I walked in with out knowing these emotions would arise. It's difficult and you have to be prepared to make sacrifices such as not going out with your OH and having to sit in instead, or barely getting a word in to your partner through the tantrums. If you are not able to deal with these DON'T date a person with a child. Now I've overcome the initial problems I now have to deal with the horrible fact that if my relationship with my OH ends, my relationship that I'm building with his son ends too.

It's hard to remind yourself that it is not your child and that your not allowed to get emotionally attached.

Overall, although its taxing emotionally and my OH gets very stressed out and I've had to deal with various emotions, I absoloutley love it when he asks me to read him a story or even reads one to me! Or asks me to play cars or chats to me about what he's drawing. The best part is when he gives me a cuddle or comes to sit on me on the sofa, its little things like that, which make the experience so rewarding :)

The incessant rambler x