Please click this link and turn up your speakerswhile reading this blog the song goes perfectly and describes my feelings:
My name’s ***** and my mum is an alcoholic.
When you think of alcoholics you think of wino’s on the street swigging cheap cider, or people who sit around all day swigging gin from the bottle and not going outside or even washing themselves. As people who have lost everything, or tramps fighting with straws to suck up sick from the pavement because it may have some alcohol still in it.
My mum is neither. She is a high-functioning alcoholic and I think this is the worst kind because the only people that can see the damage are the ones closest to the alcoholic.
Definition:
Many people think of alcoholics as disheveled, homeless winos who have lost everything, but there are people who meet the criteria for a medical diagnosis for alcohol dependence who are highly functional in society and still have their jobs, homes and families. This type of drinker is known as a functional alcoholic. They rarely miss work and other obligations because of their drinking, although it does happen occasionally, and they usually excel at their jobs and careers. Typically, they are clever and witty individuals who are successful in many areas of their lives. To all but those who are closest to them, they give the outward appearance of being perfectly normal.
To the outside world my mum is a hard-working, intelligent, witty mother of two children and a cracking housewife. There is always dinner being cooked, washing on the line, and beds being made. She never takes a day off work, always looks neat and presentable and makes sure my sister always gets to school. Behind closed doors however, she will drink two bottles of wine to herself a night, having her first glass as soon as she steps through the door from work. She drinks them alone on the sofa in her pyjamas watching TV.
My mum never smiles.
She is in denial that she has a problem and is fiercely defensive if you mention alcohol. A classic example was last Sunday. She was drunk (again) and putting my sister to bed and stepped on something and started going mad at my little sister, blaming her for her injury. My sister (who I am so very proud of) said to her ‘Stop shouting at me it’s not my fault, it’s happened because you are drunk’. Instantly my mum denied it was anything to do with alcohol. Any time you mention alcohol or that she might have a problem she denies it straight away.
My mum is always depressed and distances herself away from myself and my sister. I try all the time to connect with her and ask hers whats wrong but she just wont tell me or admit she has a problem. She has a monotonous relationship with her boyfriend and she isn't really happy with him. I think she feels lonely and he's just there. I feel like my own mother doesn't like me or love me at all and it hurts. It hurts so much to not be able to help somebody you love when they clearly need help. She jokes about being an alcoholic all the time, another classic symptom. I know I can't have a conversation with her, so it is just me and my sister with this woman. Yes she does my washing but that doesn't make her a mother, the laundrette could do that. I need my mum to love me.
My mum scares me too. I worry about her, she looks dead behind the eyes and doesn’t look enthused about anything. One day I was watching a film in bed and my mum came in (drunk) and said ‘do you love me’ so I said yes of course. Then she asked for a hug and I gave her one, but as I hugged her she said ‘You could hug me like you mean it’ and I didn’t know what she was talking about. For some reason it invoked the strangest mix of emotions in me. I looked at her and saw a scared little girl just crying out for some love and attention, but I also saw a pathetic drunk woman with no self control. I have no idea why but that actually haunts me to this day.
I’ve never told anyone this but I wake up every morning expecting to find that she has killed herself in the night.
It has affected my little sister too. She is 11 and has definitely got my attitude; she also swears like a sailor and is a female Louis Spence. I adore that girl and I am so proud to be her sister. I love her so much I’d do ANYTHING to stop her hurting. My mum makes her hurt on the inside, my sister sits on my bed and cries to me that mum is always drunk and she never wants to drink when she’s a grown up because of how our mum gets. My sister tells me 'my children are NEVER going to drink' a classic sign that she knows our mum has something wrong. She is 11 for fucks sake, she should be out playing with her friends and kissing boys at school. She has such a lovely face, with a cheeky smile and big brown eyes. But her eyes are older than her years and seeing her youthful innocence combined with the worry in her face kills me. Without sounding like Gary Glitter I watch her sometimes when she doesn’t know I’m looking and she looks so sad because she knows deep down our mum is not normal, but as soon as she sees me looking she gives me a big grin.
My sister is going to be a terrible teenager and I know that will set my mums drinking off even more. I can see the inevitable future, me leaving home (very soon), my mum feeling lonely and drinking more, my sister being a handful, my mum drinking more, then one day my mum will die or get seriously ill from her excessive drinking. I don’t want to lose my mum. I love her too much and the thought terrifies me but she can’t admit there is a problem. I don't feel right moving out and leaving my sister but I am subtly teaching my little sister how to make her own meals and do basic household tasks so I know she will always be ok.
This sounds harsh but I know what I need to do. If her drinking escalates I'm going to drive to my mums, get my little sister and bring her to live with me. I then need to leave my mother to continue to damage herself until one day she can stop of her own accord. I am young and I deserve to be able to be happy building a life with my other half, without constantly worrying about my mum and sister. My boyfriend put it into words for me, he often says 'I can't tell who's the mum and whose the daughter in this house'.
I want a mum that can stay sober for a week. I want a mum who is close to me and allows me to get close to her so I can talk about stuff like how big my arse has got, my boyfriend, periods etc. I want a mum who smiles and laughs. I want a mum who has enough self respect and self esteem to put the bottle down. I want her to see how beautiful and strong and independent she is and how much I love and care about her. I want the mum back that I had when I was little.
When I think about her and her problem I just cry. Even writing this blog there are tears all over the fucking laptop. I look like Marylin Manson half the time because when I think about the tears just start for some reason. I want her to get better and I want me, her and my sister to be a family again.
Thank you for reading. Yet again I’ve rambled on like no tomorrow haha.
The incessant rambler xox
Wow what an incredibly heartfelt blog. I also lived with a 'functional alcoholic' but thankfully only for 20 months as I was lucky enough to have the option of leaving, being a grown up. He too was in complete denial about his drinking. He drank cans of beer and convinced himself that a can was equivalent to half a pint, whereas we all know a can is actually almost a pint! Because he always went to work he could convince himself he didn't have a problem. I've never felt so lonely in a relationship before - it was like having a third person in our relationship - alcohol was the 'other woman'. He would open a can as soon as he got home from work and by 9pm would be asleep on the sofa and often there was no rousing him. I felt resentful and unimportant. He was always bad tempered and was a habitual sleep-walker who would piss in corners. I would try to get him to the toilet but he would become aggressive and push me around but whenever I confronted him about it when he was sober, he would never take responsibility for his actions saying he couldn't help what he was doing in his sleep - this of course was true, however on the odd occasions when he didn't drink he never sleep-walked.
ReplyDeleteHe never needed an excuse/reason to have a drink!
'I've had a hard day I need a drink'
'I've had a great day let's celebrate with a drink'
'It's the weekend'
'It's Wednesday halfway through the week - it breaks up the week'
'I'm watching football - it's traditional'
'I work hard, why shouldn't I?'
'My ex-wife is stressing me out'
Often he would bring me a bottle of my favourite Cava or some flowers to make me feel guilty about mentioning his 24 pack of Carling. One time I pulled out the oven to clean behind it and found dozens of empty cans hidden under the kitchen units! Our sex life was practically non existent as he was always too tired - alcohol on a regular basis kills libido. He would go days without washing or showering as he would have a few drinks and fall asleep and was too tired to have a shower. He was always angry and I was surrounded by constant conflict as he would fall out with everyone around him. The stress of living with his alcoholism made me mentally ill and I had a breakdown. We broke up exactly a year ago and the effect on my son who was 4 at the time is ongoing and he still remembers his temper and said to me recently, 'Why was --- always so angry Mummy?' I'm glad I found the strength to get out when I did. Thank u for sharing your story. People are so often oblivious to what goes on behind closed doors...