A quick message about my tiny little sister.I got a little sister that I get barely get to see. I see her for two hours then after that I have to leave on top of that I see her about once a month (that is being generous).I'm sorry J*** I don't get to see you like I want to and need to, I just wish you knew I want to.Apparently I'm an unfit sister because my dad and her mother split up and hey presto I am banned from seeing MY OWN SISTER. The little girl that I taught to read Green Eggs and Ham, and all manner of doctor Zeus books, The girl who I helped with her handwriting and get over her fear of going on the big-girl swings at the park, ME. Your mother is low down, she's doing everything to hurt Dad right now, not realizing that it';s hurting you too.
Last time I saw her I collected her from school and she was shy and didn't want to speak to me much. She hadn't seen me for two months and had thought that her big sister didn't love her anymore. Everytime I think of her I burst out crying because she is the apple of my eye.I WANT TO SEE HER NOW. I can't take much more of this. Every time I get granted access it gets cancelled. I have piles of christmas and easter presents that I haven't been able to give her. heart BREAKING.
Now, lets talk Mexxy.http://www.itv.com/news/meridian/2012-03-28/legal-high-given-12-month-ban/I was watching the news today and I heard the saddening story above, when a HORRIBLE chilling feeling crept down my spine, the drug was called Mexxy. Sounding very similar to the chemical name (Methoxetamine) of a drug SWIM (someone who isn't me) has dubbed 'Spaceman'. As you can probably tell from the chemical name, it is a 'legal' ketamine but it produces terrifying effects.People I know have been laying in slobbering heaps on a sofa, wacked out of their heads on this shit. Apparently they couldn't even go to the toilet by themselves and were dribbling everywhere from just ONE LINE of this shit they trip out and are 'paralyzed'. It is powerful stuff. I was offered to try it and declined.
Back to the news story, The reason I got chills down my spine was because a few days ago somebody so close to me was ill as fuck from this shit. They told me they had a line of spaceman the night before and when I arrived (8 hours later) begged me to take them to the hospital. They were cold, sweating and shivering, grinding their teeth, couldn't hold a conversation or stop throwing up. Today I realised how close this person came to dying. If this person died part of me would have died to. They were lucky, unlike the two guys above. My advice to anyone is, just because it's 'legal' doesn't mean some Chinese dude isn't mixing it in his bath tub with a shit load of rat poison. I'm shaking reading this because they could have died, fuck, shitballs, FUCK!
I wrote a blog recently called 2+1=3http://peachypeachpeach-peaches.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/what-happens-when-two-turns-to-three.htmlIt gets harder, believe it or not it does. Prepare to spend a lot of time feeling alienated and useless. Prepare to have your heart melted a few times. Prepare to get pissed off with what your partner does. Prepare to feel broody as sin. Prepare to feel proud everytime you make a breakthrough. Prepare to feel like you want to run home, hide under your duvet and cry while watching Bridget Jones. Prepare to be up at 2AM with a screaming child. Prepare to realise that you are gathering a lot of life experience just from sitting in one room. Prepare to feel terribly jealous and sometimes out of place. Prepare to look at your partner differently, and most importantly prepare yourself for the challenges that lay ahead.
It such a strange feeling, you feel further away from your partner then ever before while feeling quite close to them at the same time. I urge anybody to think carefully before getting into this kind of situation. I adore my partner and his little boy but it takes it's toll on YOU as daddy's/mummy's partner in a way that is never taken notice of. For this reason I am determined to keep this blog going for as long as I can so you can see how your feelings change everyday and to support others in my situation. Today has been tough on me, so tough and I'm feeling quite down. Tomorrow I will probably be blissfully happy, who knows, maybe it's the lack of sleep and the mixed emotions? I sound selfish and bratish but I don't care YOU need to see before you get yourself into this, how hard it is. It's not all sunshine and rainbows and trips to the park. I was up at 2AM because his child would not stop crying all night and I felt more scared then anything because my boyfriend was getting stressed and so was his child and I couldn't help neither of them. I feel awkward half the time like I know how to help but I have no right to and I feel like everyone is observing how I am with his son like I'm an animal in a zoo and I feel like I can't do things right and then my other half says I'm acting off with him but it's because I feel lonely and alienated, like there is a big glass wall between us and don't want to overstep my boundaries as he probably thinks 'she has no children what does she know?'
Is this normal? I'm so confused.
My TV and a large cuppa tea is calling me, I have a headache.
Here's to a better day tomorrow everyone.
Thank you for reading again, and sorry for the negative tone.
The incessant rambler xx
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