Chavs, Chavettes, Chavvy chav chavs.

May I start by saying if you are offended by anything in this blog I deeply apologize, I am being very stereotypical and crass. However chavs aren't known for their literacy skills I presume I'm safe ;)

Jeremy Kyle, the age old haunt of chavs and adulterers alike. 

This ladies and gentleman is a chav (incase you've been living on mars and didn't know)

Ah where to start with chavs. Well lets start with where they started. Conceived round the back of the school bike sheds/ an alley/ iceland carpark to a 14 year old mother and a 20 year old father. They then grow into 'charming, angelic' children who key your car and scream abuse at you in the street.  The children are normally graced with classy names inspired by either a celebrity name followed by the drink that the mother was drinking at the time of conception, or just your bog standard chavvy name like Channel, Mercedes-Bacardi, Trinity, London, Gary, Paul, McKenzie- Specialbrew, Chardonnay Clayton, Neil.....

I wonder if a chavletts (chav baby/child) first words are 'brap', 'safe' or 'airmax'?? Hmmm.... Will have to find out one day. 

Yet another Chavlett on the way *sigh*

So after the chavletts have been kicked out of school, and grown up to the ripe old age of 12 you will then see them hanging around the town center on their stolen BMX's, shoplifting, drinking cider and generally being  twats. 

Today I was popping into my local off license to buy a bottle of wine for a memorial service later today when a chavlett wolf whistled then shouted 'Get em out for the lads', I turned round to greet him with one of my Grade 1 thermonuclear scowls.  I was confronted with a group of spotty chavletts and chavs between the ages of 13-25 odd, in a stunning array of 'power ranger' suits (shell suits, picture below), one even had one with silver $'s all over it!  How classy! 

 I turned to face the gob of the group who wholf whistled at me, he was about  5 foot 1 and scrawny. He had a fag in one hand, complimented by a blinding array of sovereign rings from Argos, a (probabaly stolen) blackberry in the other and his baseball cap artfully arranged at a jaunty angle, he also had his tracksuit bottoms tucked into his socks which just complemented his fake Addidas trainers perfectly. He was acting like he was a 9ft tall, bodybuilder, practically made from gold.  I think I puked a bit in my mouth recollecting this. 

Power ranger suits

Chavs, they do provide you with so much entertainment;  whether it be watching them on the Jeremy Kyle show,  reading the scribbling s of 'Chantel woz ere' and 'MCKENZIE <3 LEVI 4 LYF' on the toilet door while your having a shit, or simply observing their animal like behavior on the street from your window.

They spend OUR taxes on cans of Super Tennants and Special Brew and spawn more Chavettes, it's a NEVER ending cycle. I say maybe we send all the chavs to Scotland, they can all freeze and will be too cold to 'mate' with each other thus reducing the chav population vastly. Yes PEACHES FOR PRESIDENT! or whatever we have in this country. 

Chavs also have an amazing knack for taking people cars and property and making it into there own and lets not forget that Chavs MUST travel in style, yes we are talking 'Chaviots' (picture below) which will have been tearing, very noisily, up a street near you. They can be seen a mile off by the way the car will be lowered to within and inch of it's life, a badly painted tint in the back windows, stolen xboxs' and knock off perfume in the boot, electrohouse or rap blaring out of the speakers and half an ounce of weed on the back seat.  Chavs insist on spending their dole money on a car older than the dawn of time and 'doing it up', invariably creating a lurid monstrosity, and a general eyesore.  The only thing that is good about chavs having these cars is that they   slightly conceal the chavvy faces inside them, making the world a very slightly, prettier place. 

Chaviot

Chavs in short think they're living the life of 50 Cent. They buy tonnes of 'bling', stupid cars, have hundreds of girlfriends, loads of booze,  and lots of materialistic things. They buy gold teeth, grills, tacky jewllery and velour tracksuits.  They say things like 'innit' and 'brap' while shaking their hands in a strange way, as though they're trying to land a jumbo jet outside Argos or something.   The women have ponytails so tight I'm amazed they don't scalp themselves (maybe that's why they're so thick, no circulation to the skull, note to self must research this) and the men lounge around all day smoking weed, visiting the job center, and creating yet more multi colored babies. Below is a guide for girls on how to get that perfect chav look.

class act

 I say get off your lazy backsides, get a job, give my tax money back, GET SOME BLOODY CONDOMS NEXT TIME YOUR GETTING YOUR WEEKLY CHLAMYDIA TEST, attend school, and please, PLEASE stop wearing gym clothes as your daily outerwear.  You are NOT going to the gym, the only running chavs are going to be doing is running away from the child maintenance people. 

I think I speak for everyone when I say thank you Chavs for the great contribution you’ve made to this country, you’ve made it what it what it is today – an even bigger shithole. 

See even the chavs liked this post!

Here is an example of a Chavs intelligence as once overheard and provided to me by Tilly:

"Hey up Gary... What flavour's them apple sours?"   

Here is a classic example of a chav given to me by the Mad Girrafe:

Oh I was in that internet cafe again the other day and this bloke came in and said to the bewildered Chinese man' haaave ya got me fuuuutball game I gave it to your man t'other day' and then had a skanger fit cos he couldn't find it then shouted out 'i doooont believe this, this is bullshit' stormed out and the chimeseman went ' oh here it is'

32 minutes ago · 

This should stop you all moaning.

Here are the bare facts of my body, seeing as so many of you enjoy perving at it or bitching about it.
I recently lost weight and a lot of people are debating whether I'm 'too skinny', when I don't think I've hardly changed.

If you think I'm fat tell me I'm a lard ass, if you think I'm too skinny buy me a full English and a slice of cake.

So here are my measurements so you can make your own judgements :)

Height:  5'6.5

Weight: 9 stone 1 ( Usually 8st 11 in the morning)

Wrist measurement: 5.5 inches

Ankles : 8.5 inches

Waist: 25 inches (24 when I've not eaten)

Hips: 34 inches

Chest: 36 inches (all natural no silicone here)

Top of thigh: 20 inches

top of calves: 14 inches ( I play a lot of sport = thunder legs lol)

Butt: 38 inches around

Now you form your own opinion.

I hope..

At 3.47am 22nd November 2009 my heart broke forever.

You were the best friend anyone could wish for.

 I hope your well up there and looking down on everything I do.

I hope your not judging my outfits with your catty comments like 'I wouldn't go to Tesco's looking like that'.

I hope your watching Bridget Jones and eating tubs of Ben and Jerrys Phish food.

I hope you know that I keep your hoody, last bag of sugar puffs and aftershave in my bedroom.

I hope there is a huge shopping centre, and your wearing all the best looking clothes.

I hope it didn't hurt, and that you are at peace now.

I hope you forgive me for my failings.

I hope you come back one day.

I hope you miss me, as much as I miss you.

I hope your comfy and have really gone on to a better place.

I hope you come back one day.

Sleep well gorgeous, see you on the other side <3 xxxxxx

Me rambling about relationships

It's so strange to be writing something that is so personal to me but I thought it makes a change from my usual gibberings on. Anyway this is taking ages to write because I keep jumping up to play mw3 for my mate, writing this is impulsive really.

The truth is, I'm awkward. I got off on the wrong foot with life and at my grand old age I'm STILL sometimes stuggling with basic things like having a conversation with a stranger, speaking my mind, being myself etc.

Until I was 16 i would rather not buy something I needed than risk having a conversation with a shop assistant, I was cripplingly shy. I had friends but always kept myself slightly distanced from them. I never spoke to hardly anybody. By 16 I'd also been in two long term relationships with blokes who treated me wrong. All of that combined gave me problems that I've fixed with varying degrees of success.

Friends:
I've always said I'd rather have 10 great friends then 10000 mates. Now I sound like a total larry, but it's true the same goes for going out, I'd rather go out a few times a month with my good mates then go out a few times a week with people I don't necessarily like who are available at that time. Also I do a lot of jogging which means my idea of fun isn't exactly everyone elses, but I'm always out jogging with my mate which I think I can have more of a laugh doing, then sitting in the snotty fox or a house with a bunch of people that I don't really like? Maybe I'm weird? Or too lazy lol.

Anyway I've got so many more good friends now then I've ever had, but I need to be less self conscious speaking to new people and I'll be laughing.
Some people I meet for the first time and straight away feel confident enough to make conversation, but sometimes I don't say much. I get SO freaking pissed off with myself when I do that!! *insert very annoyed/pouty face here* I love people and talking, it's annoying I didn't learn this at school.

Boys:

I'm straight, and been single for just a over a year now. My honest reason for being single so long was not wanting to get hurt again and I also wanted any relationship I got into to be with someone who made me feel special and happy etc and could make me laugh my ass off. It's true what they say, you CAN laugh someone into bed. Anyway, I hadn't liked nearly anyone for this whole duration of then this guy came along... Anyway that's for a different post.

Basically with relationships I need to learn a bit of positivity which I'm slowly doing. For example in the past, if something went wrong the first thing I'd do is think 'oh my god I did something wrong' and think of things 'wrong' with me and fret about it, rather then sit back and think 'I didn't actually do anything it was beyond my control'. Trust me you get so much more chilled when you think like the last example.

I've been cheated on, hurt and all other things in relationships and that used to scare me but now I'm feeling like I can put all that behind me and think 'I'm ready for a new start'

I have this theory that most times I think of things, for example daydreaming about whats gonna happen at a party on Friday, they usually go the complete opposite way. I hope that now I've said what I feel, things don't go the opposite way because I don't often write stuff like this. Right now I need to think positive and think of the good that might come now I've opened my mouth about how I feel,

I really want a relationship so I can know I'm making somebody happy, who makes me happy in return.

It's hard when you like someone you never really know where you stand with them because you don't have a classification so anything could happen, this used to annoy me because you don't know exactly where you stand, but on the moment I'm looking at it as being exciting and enjoying the anticipation. It's annoying though, I don't know if youve ever liked somebody loads? Fjekadhwkakwjdhdkwoajnbwoaphsjndoslapsdjslsh.... Is whT it feels like. El oh el.

It's all about being positive.

I've had a horrible week and escaped for the weekend so I've had a real chance to dwell on things and clear my head. I had barriers up around people to stop them getting to close and I don't have them anymore because all it does is push people away. When you first get to know me deeply, I put on an icequeen 'act', pretending nothing bothers me and I can even be very cold or snappy when I talk to you. This is my subconcious trying to stop me letting people get too close who might hurt me, not many people understand this :/ When I get cold it's because I want you so much, that I subconsciously tell myself you'll not want me back and I'll go all 'ice queen' to avoid getting hurt. According to a friend whos known me for years 'I'm one of the kindest hearted, most sweetest, funniest girls BUT people think I don't like them when they first get to know me, I normally realise I'm doing it when it's too late. I've come to realise now that there are only so many times you can push someone away before they just leave. I don't want to push people away anymore. for example this guy I'm into, when I get off the phone to him I wish I'd talked more, or said something specific and before I would have fretted, now I just think to myself 'you can say it next time'

I'm sort of a catalyst for my own faililings sometimes,

Relationships are important to everyone whether it's with your friends, famiily or bfs/gfs be happy and chill.

Anyway that is enough incessant rambling from me lol
X

Buses: Seat ninjas and KFC

Why do people act like idiots on buses? There is always one person on the bus who doesn't know what a shower is for. Infact people use the bus as a place to be plain rude. There is a girl sitting behind me eating KFC and it STINKS!! Does she not realise this is a confined space? There is an old git reading a book opposite me who just gave me a thermonuclear stare for daring to cough whilst he reads his book.

People scream down the phone, and blast their crappy electrohouse music, thinking they're 'cool'. School girls with their annoying high pitched whining voices bitch about each other, squeal and discuss 'loosing their virginities' (not what I want to be hearing at 7 in the morning). and let's not forget the string of cocky lads who like to use the fact we're all confined into such a small space to touch up women and come out with charming chat up lines such as 'You've got a good neck, I love a bitch with a good neck' (guy on the bus to me last Thursday).

The trauma starts before you even get on the bus, you stand in the pissing rain for what seems like hours for the bus that is late YET again

When a seat is free, everybody on the bus suddenly transforms into a pack of wild animals as they all descend on the free seat, beating each other up to see who's the alpha fe/male who gets the seat.

Then you get seat ninjas like me, who make strategic plans based on Who, Why, and Where to get a seat, and when the plan pays off, normally within five seconds, sit there smugly grinning to themselves as they immerse themselves in their book, while the disgruntled commuters who haven't learnt the ancient art of being a 'seat ninja' look on enviously. Let's be honest, living in London you need to learn to be a seat ninja if you ever want to sit down.

In short buses are the bane of our lives. We all hate them, but have no choice but to use them.

Here are a few more reasons to hate buses:
• They're boiling hot
• There is always one person who stares at you as though they're going to rip your throat out.
• They're expensive and slow
• Buses appear to be like limos for chavs who aren't the slightest bit bothered that their 30 kids they've brought onto the bus are running riot.
• couples smooching and practically dry humping in the back row
• cuntish bus drivers (their mothers should have swallowed)...

Peaches x

A letter to my hair

Dear hair,
Thank you for providing a platform for me to change my appearance everyday, we've had some great times together!


However, Why do you insist on being as unresponsive as possible?


I can style you as perfectly as you'll allow, and then two minutes after I step out the front door you've rearranged yourself into some kind of bouffant, crazy, windswept style.


At school all the other girls had soft, silky, shiny hair that looked perfect, whilst you decided to artfully arrange yourself in a frizzy halo.


I spend hours and hundreds of pounds getting you washed, blowdried, dyed, cut, de-frizzed etc and you STILL don't behave.


If you were a boyfriend I would have dumped you YEARS ago.

A few things it's perfectly acceptable to do...

• Cry when you watch The Titanic (even if your a boy)
• Open that really expensive bottle of pink champagne you were given for your birthday, on a random Thursday because you can't be bothered to go to the shop
• Get pissed off when he/she doesn't text you back for AGES
•  Dance to Britney Spears/ any other cheesy music, when everyone is out the house while miming along
• When your out on a date to do the 'I'm reaching for my wallet but secretly praying you'll pay' move, only OCCASIONALLY though.
• Spend all day thinking about that boy/girl you like
• Madly stuff as much food as you can down your throat when you order a takeaway, much to your regret later
• (controversial) To have sex in a car
• Get really annoyed when people don't say thank you
• Stare at that window cleaners/ builders/ waiters ass
• To be drinking a glass of wine at 11am

and the final one for today:

• Get very jealous when you see him/her talking to that other guy/girl on Facebook/ text messages

Love, Peace, Harmony...

Since when was it such a bad thing to be a bit different? 


People are constantly ridiculed for being a bit different, I'd rather make friends with one like minded person, than ten 'sheep'.  We all are told to look, act, walk, talk the same, were even told how to have sex for gods sake!


Today my mate said to me "Your lucky your so cute and funny, cause your fucking weird".... Gee thanks. 




Since when did everyone want a boring carbon copy .. I don't, I like variety and being crazy.


 Normal is boring,  you grow older,  go to the pub,  have a 'laugh' with your mates,  buy more clothes in Topshop just because 'it's in fashion' , watch the football,  watch Coronation street and Towie because everyone in the office is talking about it,  buy a flat,  get a mortgage,  get married,  get divorced,  be careful what you say around people in case it's not the 'right' thing,  watch more TV..... the list goes on YAWWWWWWN. !  I'd rather be a bit crazy and out of the box then in it, and accepted by society. 


If you know me, then you know I'm bonkers, half the stuff I say is really not 'normal'. I like to think I've got the balance between being strange/myself and being socially acceptable, well people seem to like me so I must do! 


I'm appealing to you now though, don't just live life to live, live life to have a LIFE. Yes, society won't accept it.. who gives a shit?  


Wear clothes from three years ago if they still fit you, who gives a fuck if it's 'fashionable'?, 
 Get stark bollock naked in a field with your mates in the middle of the afternoon and play guitar and sing your favourite songs ( this is fun trust me),
Dance with your neighbors cat, 
Get totally hammered at every social event with a free bar, 
Burst into song on the bus, the tube, the dentists anywhere really..
Wear your highest heels to Tesco just cause you can...


Love yourself, be yourself, and to all my fellow mad people, I love you.


if you feel a random impulse coming on, listen to it.   Life is so much better when you do :)