Chavs, Chavettes, Chavvy chav chavs.

May I start by saying if you are offended by anything in this blog I deeply apologize, I am being very stereotypical and crass. However chavs aren't known for their literacy skills I presume I'm safe ;)

Jeremy Kyle, the age old haunt of chavs and adulterers alike. 

This ladies and gentleman is a chav (incase you've been living on mars and didn't know)

Ah where to start with chavs. Well lets start with where they started. Conceived round the back of the school bike sheds/ an alley/ iceland carpark to a 14 year old mother and a 20 year old father. They then grow into 'charming, angelic' children who key your car and scream abuse at you in the street.  The children are normally graced with classy names inspired by either a celebrity name followed by the drink that the mother was drinking at the time of conception, or just your bog standard chavvy name like Channel, Mercedes-Bacardi, Trinity, London, Gary, Paul, McKenzie- Specialbrew, Chardonnay Clayton, Neil.....

I wonder if a chavletts (chav baby/child) first words are 'brap', 'safe' or 'airmax'?? Hmmm.... Will have to find out one day. 

Yet another Chavlett on the way *sigh*

So after the chavletts have been kicked out of school, and grown up to the ripe old age of 12 you will then see them hanging around the town center on their stolen BMX's, shoplifting, drinking cider and generally being  twats. 

Today I was popping into my local off license to buy a bottle of wine for a memorial service later today when a chavlett wolf whistled then shouted 'Get em out for the lads', I turned round to greet him with one of my Grade 1 thermonuclear scowls.  I was confronted with a group of spotty chavletts and chavs between the ages of 13-25 odd, in a stunning array of 'power ranger' suits (shell suits, picture below), one even had one with silver $'s all over it!  How classy! 

 I turned to face the gob of the group who wholf whistled at me, he was about  5 foot 1 and scrawny. He had a fag in one hand, complimented by a blinding array of sovereign rings from Argos, a (probabaly stolen) blackberry in the other and his baseball cap artfully arranged at a jaunty angle, he also had his tracksuit bottoms tucked into his socks which just complemented his fake Addidas trainers perfectly. He was acting like he was a 9ft tall, bodybuilder, practically made from gold.  I think I puked a bit in my mouth recollecting this. 

Power ranger suits

Chavs, they do provide you with so much entertainment;  whether it be watching them on the Jeremy Kyle show,  reading the scribbling s of 'Chantel woz ere' and 'MCKENZIE <3 LEVI 4 LYF' on the toilet door while your having a shit, or simply observing their animal like behavior on the street from your window.

They spend OUR taxes on cans of Super Tennants and Special Brew and spawn more Chavettes, it's a NEVER ending cycle. I say maybe we send all the chavs to Scotland, they can all freeze and will be too cold to 'mate' with each other thus reducing the chav population vastly. Yes PEACHES FOR PRESIDENT! or whatever we have in this country. 

Chavs also have an amazing knack for taking people cars and property and making it into there own and lets not forget that Chavs MUST travel in style, yes we are talking 'Chaviots' (picture below) which will have been tearing, very noisily, up a street near you. They can be seen a mile off by the way the car will be lowered to within and inch of it's life, a badly painted tint in the back windows, stolen xboxs' and knock off perfume in the boot, electrohouse or rap blaring out of the speakers and half an ounce of weed on the back seat.  Chavs insist on spending their dole money on a car older than the dawn of time and 'doing it up', invariably creating a lurid monstrosity, and a general eyesore.  The only thing that is good about chavs having these cars is that they   slightly conceal the chavvy faces inside them, making the world a very slightly, prettier place. 

Chaviot

Chavs in short think they're living the life of 50 Cent. They buy tonnes of 'bling', stupid cars, have hundreds of girlfriends, loads of booze,  and lots of materialistic things. They buy gold teeth, grills, tacky jewllery and velour tracksuits.  They say things like 'innit' and 'brap' while shaking their hands in a strange way, as though they're trying to land a jumbo jet outside Argos or something.   The women have ponytails so tight I'm amazed they don't scalp themselves (maybe that's why they're so thick, no circulation to the skull, note to self must research this) and the men lounge around all day smoking weed, visiting the job center, and creating yet more multi colored babies. Below is a guide for girls on how to get that perfect chav look.

class act

 I say get off your lazy backsides, get a job, give my tax money back, GET SOME BLOODY CONDOMS NEXT TIME YOUR GETTING YOUR WEEKLY CHLAMYDIA TEST, attend school, and please, PLEASE stop wearing gym clothes as your daily outerwear.  You are NOT going to the gym, the only running chavs are going to be doing is running away from the child maintenance people. 

I think I speak for everyone when I say thank you Chavs for the great contribution you’ve made to this country, you’ve made it what it what it is today – an even bigger shithole. 

See even the chavs liked this post!

Here is an example of a Chavs intelligence as once overheard and provided to me by Tilly:

"Hey up Gary... What flavour's them apple sours?"   

Here is a classic example of a chav given to me by the Mad Girrafe:

Oh I was in that internet cafe again the other day and this bloke came in and said to the bewildered Chinese man' haaave ya got me fuuuutball game I gave it to your man t'other day' and then had a skanger fit cos he couldn't find it then shouted out 'i doooont believe this, this is bullshit' stormed out and the chimeseman went ' oh here it is'

32 minutes ago ·