It's so strange to be writing something that is so personal to me but I thought it makes a change from my usual gibberings on. Anyway this is taking ages to write because I keep jumping up to play mw3 for my mate, writing this is impulsive really.
The truth is, I'm awkward. I got off on the wrong foot with life and at my grand old age I'm STILL sometimes stuggling with basic things like having a conversation with a stranger, speaking my mind, being myself etc.
Until I was 16 i would rather not buy something I needed than risk having a conversation with a shop assistant, I was cripplingly shy. I had friends but always kept myself slightly distanced from them. I never spoke to hardly anybody. By 16 I'd also been in two long term relationships with blokes who treated me wrong. All of that combined gave me problems that I've fixed with varying degrees of success.
Friends:
I've always said I'd rather have 10 great friends then 10000 mates. Now I sound like a total larry, but it's true the same goes for going out, I'd rather go out a few times a month with my good mates then go out a few times a week with people I don't necessarily like who are available at that time. Also I do a lot of jogging which means my idea of fun isn't exactly everyone elses, but I'm always out jogging with my mate which I think I can have more of a laugh doing, then sitting in the snotty fox or a house with a bunch of people that I don't really like? Maybe I'm weird? Or too lazy lol.
Anyway I've got so many more good friends now then I've ever had, but I need to be less self conscious speaking to new people and I'll be laughing.
Some people I meet for the first time and straight away feel confident enough to make conversation, but sometimes I don't say much. I get SO freaking pissed off with myself when I do that!! *insert very annoyed/pouty face here* I love people and talking, it's annoying I didn't learn this at school.
Boys:
I'm straight, and been single for just a over a year now. My honest reason for being single so long was not wanting to get hurt again and I also wanted any relationship I got into to be with someone who made me feel special and happy etc and could make me laugh my ass off. It's true what they say, you CAN laugh someone into bed. Anyway, I hadn't liked nearly anyone for this whole duration of then this guy came along... Anyway that's for a different post.
Basically with relationships I need to learn a bit of positivity which I'm slowly doing. For example in the past, if something went wrong the first thing I'd do is think 'oh my god I did something wrong' and think of things 'wrong' with me and fret about it, rather then sit back and think 'I didn't actually do anything it was beyond my control'. Trust me you get so much more chilled when you think like the last example.
I've been cheated on, hurt and all other things in relationships and that used to scare me but now I'm feeling like I can put all that behind me and think 'I'm ready for a new start'
I have this theory that most times I think of things, for example daydreaming about whats gonna happen at a party on Friday, they usually go the complete opposite way. I hope that now I've said what I feel, things don't go the opposite way because I don't often write stuff like this. Right now I need to think positive and think of the good that might come now I've opened my mouth about how I feel,
I really want a relationship so I can know I'm making somebody happy, who makes me happy in return.
It's hard when you like someone you never really know where you stand with them because you don't have a classification so anything could happen, this used to annoy me because you don't know exactly where you stand, but on the moment I'm looking at it as being exciting and enjoying the anticipation. It's annoying though, I don't know if youve ever liked somebody loads? Fjekadhwkakwjdhdkwoajnbwoaphsjndoslapsdjslsh.... Is whT it feels like. El oh el.
It's all about being positive.
I've had a horrible week and escaped for the weekend so I've had a real chance to dwell on things and clear my head. I had barriers up around people to stop them getting to close and I don't have them anymore because all it does is push people away. When you first get to know me deeply, I put on an icequeen 'act', pretending nothing bothers me and I can even be very cold or snappy when I talk to you. This is my subconcious trying to stop me letting people get too close who might hurt me, not many people understand this :/ When I get cold it's because I want you so much, that I subconsciously tell myself you'll not want me back and I'll go all 'ice queen' to avoid getting hurt. According to a friend whos known me for years 'I'm one of the kindest hearted, most sweetest, funniest girls BUT people think I don't like them when they first get to know me, I normally realise I'm doing it when it's too late. I've come to realise now that there are only so many times you can push someone away before they just leave. I don't want to push people away anymore. for example this guy I'm into, when I get off the phone to him I wish I'd talked more, or said something specific and before I would have fretted, now I just think to myself 'you can say it next time'
I'm sort of a catalyst for my own faililings sometimes,
Relationships are important to everyone whether it's with your friends, famiily or bfs/gfs be happy and chill.
Anyway that is enough incessant rambling from me lol
X
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